Hello and Goodbye …

This will be my very last blog post and, whilst on reflection I am overcome with  cringy-ness and embarrassment at some of what I’ve said in the past, I can also see just how much I’ve grown over this period and how relevant those rants were to me at the time.

I started this blog to help others and to bring awareness to unseen struggles, but now I see it was more so just a means of self-medicating my internal frustrations! Apologies for that!

But right now, my life is great! I suppose there is always something we could complain about but at the same time – there really isn’t! One particular thing that I have really learnt over the past few weeks that has made all the difference to my state of mind is being kind to my own self. We are always told to be kind to others and to treat others as we wish to be treated, which is of course, absolutely true, but how often do we treat ourselves as we wish to be treated? I have come to learn that self-evaluation and self-acceptance is so crucial to happiness. No matter what stage you are at, there is a plan for your life from this moment on, so sit with yourself and don’t run from your feelings. If you feel a sense of regret over past mistakes or a sense of uncertainty about the future or you find yourself in a state of disparity at where you are now, allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable feelings; sit with yourself and feel. Running away and trying to mask uncomfortable feelings isn’t going to get you anywhere. Allow those uncomfortable emotions to drive you towards your future goals and channel that energy into positivity because you can achieve whatever it is you desire.

I have a quote in my room which states “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right” – which I think is absolutely true! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind and you will be surprised at what you can achieve. Accept that at times, you’re not always going to like yourself, but acknowledge the importance of respecting yourself and keep on moving forward. You have a relationship with yourself and it needs constant nurturing. Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, accept yourself and believe in your potential.

I would have always considered myself to be a faithful person but I can see now that despite this, I haven’t always been a believing person. I would always jump to worst case scenarios and draw upon negative conclusions. Although I was able to think of something I truly desired for the future – and had faith on some level that I would get there at some point – I didn’t actually believe it would happen in reality. And how could I believe when where I was then was so far away from where I wanted to be? Uncertainty is a doubt stirrer- but it needn’t be, you never know what’s around the corner and with a positive attitude you can go anywhere! The future doesn’t have to be a distant fairy tale day dream, it can be an absolute reality. We just need to accept that things may not always take place according to our timeline.

But above all, be kind to yourself, smile at strangers and think happy thoughts.

This Is where I’m at right now, and I know due to my “black and white” nature, this happy spell may not last, but I intend to keep it going for as long as I can and I know that even if black spells come, I have tasted this peace of mind so I can taste of it again.

Life is good. Don’t just believe that good things might happen to you, believe that they will and that you DESERVE them. Find joy in the little things and look beyond yourself when you have the space. God is good. Good things will come. Trust in yourself.

Lastly – Thank you for all of my “regulars” who actually read all of the, somewhat, bizarre things I had to say at times!

Love Ruby x

Walls.

In many ways, people are just like houses. We are made brick-by-brick, principle-upon-principle. We all have the same basic functions as each other and, although differing in architecture, metaphorically speaking when it comes down to it – we are all built with a kitchen and a bathroom – the layout is just different in each house. We are all uniquely decorated and embellished based upon our needs and personal tastes. But, most importantly, we have WALLS.

Unfortunately, unlike houses however, walls in people are not necessarily a good thing and are not so easily moved. In buildings, walls provide essential structure and support and, whilst walls in people do provide some sense of security, they are usually built in response to some kind of painful experience. Walls in people act a defense; a barrier that, although initially constructed with the intent to protect, often only end up causing more damage.

We all have walls we have built to keep ourselves safe. For some, their walls may involve not participating in certain activities or going to particular places. For others it may be manifest in the way they interact with people – scared they will give away too much so remain introverted and guarded. For me personally, my wall is my body.

For many years, I have used my body and appearance to act as a wall to hide my true self. I was worried if I didn’t hide myself I wouldn’t like what I saw or, even worse, other people wouldn’t like what they saw. Being uncomfortable and self conscious became me. A safe way to hide myself and to avoid embarrassment. Without me even knowing it, I spent years punishing myself, trying to conform to a self that I thought I would more fully accept, but with each new wall I constructed, I became more unhappy and more withdrawn from my true self.

The funny thing is, sometimes I would hide my walls with more walls until I had developed an intricate maze that I often found myself lost in. I would put on a care-free, confident mask to cover my self-conscious, awkward self all in an attempt to “protect” what I thought needed protecting.

Recently, I have been discovering more and more the importance of being myself. It’s no good hiding and it’s no good pretending. I don’t want to live within the close confinement  I have made for myself anymore. Living behind walls all the time isn’t fun.

I want to smile with a toothy grin and a double chin, I want to laugh at things I find funny  even if no one else is laughing, I want to wear whatever I want to because I can. I want to eat what I want and say “who cares” and I want to live at peace with myself . I don’t want my life to be governed by the perceived judgments I think other people have towards me and I don’t want my life to be governed by the judgments I have towards myself.

Slowly and gently I am beginning to pull those bricks out of my walls … one by one, until eventually they will crumble down completely and I will be left to live my own life wall-free!

Why should it matter if someone thinks I’m weird or doesn’t like the top I’m wearing? What matters is how I feel and whether or not I am being true to myself. If people don’t like that, then that’s perfectly ok, but I am going to try to stop living my life just to please everyone else.

Will Smith said something very profound on this matter:

…That’s not to say we should think little of other people or their opinions, but we really shouldn’t take to heart everything that is said or implied towards us.

So I say – demolish those walls of yours! Get a sledgehammer and knock them down (or alternatively, begin to soften the cement or pull a brick out every now and then! – whatever pace suits you!). Make your life into a demolition ground – A beautiful battle zone filled with rubble and debris from past barriers and memories you once built.

Leave wall building to the professionals who have a blue print to follow and just focus on living your life as you want to!

– R

Masking the truth.

At Christmas time there are lots of symbols and many things have hidden meanings to them; presents, stars and lights all represent other, far more significant matters, but they serve as a reminder to us of the real reason for Christmas.

This trend is not just exclusive to Christmas however, as symbols are abundantly used in our everyday lives. Not only are they used to help us remember specific things, unfortunately they are also used as a means to cover up, hide or obscure the truth.

A common example that comes to mind is music. Many popular songs are full of hidden messages; you can listen to a specific track hundreds of times and think you know what it is talking about, but then a friend will make a comment on the lyrics and you suddenly realise that all this time, when you thought you were singing about a candy shop, you were actually singing about ……. something else! (And it’s usually something very vulgar)… Somehow that catchy tune no longer sounds so appealing!

I do find it funny though that we can remember acronyms and anagrams, analogies and symbols so much easier than  we can the original phrase or reason we are trying to remember in the first place! Surely if we can remember <<My Very Easy Method Just Sums Up Naming Planets>> we can remember Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune and Pluto! It is the same number of words after all!

But our minds work in funny ways which means that we respond better to these techniques; we can relate more to images and colourful descriptions, they stand out in our brains. However, because of this, we are more susceptible to being influenced by seemingly mundane things, because there is often more than meets the eye. For example, we have been conditioned to think certain things when we see particular symbols, which in turn, affects our behaviour, ie; on food packaging the colour green may subconsciously make us think that the product inside is healthy so we may be more likely to buy it.

It causes you to think – how much of what we see/hear/smell is actually genuine? And, how many people are trying to fool me – and for what motives?

This is also true of society; we have taken it as fact that if you are slim, you are happy. When we see elegant, slender people we assume that they are healthy, happy and successful. We look to skinny people as a beacon of hope because we associate happiness and fulfilment with the size of our bodies but this is a false ideal and can be very harmful. We are too easily influenced by symbols and we need to learn that a lot of things we take as truth are actually masked by falsities. 

Having said that, we all wear masks to hide the truth- to some extent. We do not want to expose our vulnerabilities or flaunt our weaknesses. So when we have a bad day we put on our “brave mask” and carry on fighting, when we are feeling jealous we may put on our “act-calm-and-pretend-I-don’t-care mask” and when we are feeling incredibly insecure we put on our “act-confident-and-pretend-this-isn’t-at-all-out-of-my-comfort-zone mask”. But we should really be asking ourselves “Who am I living for?”, “Am I living for myself or do I do the things I do for someone else’s approval?”, because if we think like this, we may just realise that we don’t need to wear any masks at all and being ourselves is perfectly ok.

This is easier said than done however, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy to be happy – regardless of whether or not we are wearing a mask. It’s at times like this when we need to be 100% present in the moment. We need to analyse exactly where we are – don’t make excuses or promises about the future, don’t obscure the truth, just feel. Do not mask the emotions you are feeling, experience them. Have a cry, scream out loud, punch the air – do whatever you need to do to vent. Then, when you have somewhat calmed down, think logically and rationally about how you can change the current situation to the best of your ability. You may need to wear a mask to get there, but just remember that most people are also wearing masks, so don’t beat yourself up.

It is all to easy to get caught up in the vain, misleading so-called facts of the world because most of what we read and hear is disguised by heavily embroidered, finely stitched, jewel adorned masks created by experts, and this is probably not going to change. But, as long as we are aware that masks are being used in this process, hopefully we will become less easily deceived.

Have a very happy Christmas and try not to let the negative symbols and masks that surround us get the better of you this season 🙂

R

Being “normal”.

There is SO much diversity out there – yet we all strive to be accepted. For some reason, so many of us refuse to appreciate ourselves for who we truly are and are always striving to be something else.

The persecution some people have faced over time because they were not seen as being “normal” is unimaginable but, generally speaking, the world is becoming increasingly more accepting and standards that would have been deemed unacceptable even 50 years ago are now common place. More than ever, people who are considered to be “different”, are standing up and demanding acceptance.

While this is – for the most part -a good thing, there are still a lot of inequalities and judgments circulating.

A particular group of people who are fighting against societal judgments, are people who are overweight. On social media, hashtags such as; #honourmycurves #plussize #thickchicks and #pizzasisters4lyfe are being used to create communities where people share pictures of their “unconventionally” beautiful bodies in an effort to support each other. These people have learned to embrace their bodies and un-apologetically enjoy flaunting what they’ve got.

              

Equally there are people on the other extreme who are promoting the stick-thin, malnourished look where followers will encourage each other to continue to loose weight and to never give in to temptations that will compromise their figures.

In addition to these, there is another category of “clean eaters” where people religiously stick to a healthy eating regime and will post perfectly edited pictures of their vibrantly coloured meals online. Unfortunately, this can often lead to cases of Orthorexia – which is a relatively new eating disorder where people are obsessed with being healthy. (It is my belief that acquiring this disorder is heavily linked with exposure to these online accounts and other healthy eating jargon and advertising within society).

But what if you do not fit into a category? What if you are too fat to be skinny, but too skinny to be fat? What if you are not comfortable with either flaunting yourself or starving yourself?

Does that mean you are not welcome? You have no place?

The funny thing is, these groups and communities were formed to make those who feel ‘different’ in some way, accepted, and to make them feel like what they are defending is worthwhile.  Yet does that mean that if you do not share the same beliefs or have the same circumstances as the people in those groups, you are not accepted either?

The irony of creating support groups is that there will always be more people who become excluded as a result!

In reality, it means that unless you proudly flaunt your belly rolls or alternatively, exhibit your hip bones and post pictures of your perfectly arranged meals, (in this example), you will not have a network of supporters and you will not get 1000+ likes for every picture you post.

There’s something very sad about that.

I am not clinically fat. Neither am I skinny. I am, for all intents and purposes, “normal”, yet I still feel like an outsider because I am not confident enough to flaunt my flaws.

It would be nice if there was a “I look normal” hashtag, but then again, what even is normal? … And by creating that kind of community I would only be condoning other exclusive accounts  and promoting further isolation – which defeats my point entirely!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that all support groups are bad, in fact I have stumbled across some really positive accounts, but I just feel that in the process of trying to be inclusive, a lot of these accounts are becoming, maybe even unintentionally, exclusive.

An ideal situation would be one in which no one has to use hashtags or comments to defend themselves because there would be no judgments or stigmas to result in the need for them anyway! Everybody would be accepting of each other and no one would be made to feel inadequate or unwelcomed.

This is unfortunately a very unrealistic situation and one that we will probably never get to see but it is important to remember that we are more powerful than we think we are. Change begins with YOU and you never know how far a little kindness can go. So be a little kinder, be a little more accepting and …

And STOP judging!

Change.

It’s one of those words that we love to hate!

If you are to ask someone whether they like, or do not like change, they will inevitably respond with either a yes or no answer.

Then, in response to that, we will tend to stereotype them based on what we think their answer means in relation to their character. For example we will assume that if one likes change, they must be a spontaneous outgoing person while those who dislike it are introverted, boring or even rigid.

Upon further reflection however, I have come to believe that these perceptions are completely invalid and there isn’t actually anyone who can claim to either like or dislike change because we are all the same!

What do I mean?

Well, being the fickle human beings that we all are, we find it hard to stay consistent. We may claim to hate change because we do not like surprises, yet if change suits our current needs, we may not be so opposed to the idea after all…

For example, if you were due to get married at the weekend and all week prior to your chosen date it had been pouring it down with rain, you would inevitably be preparing yourself for a wet day and would put the necessary provisions in place, ie. umbrellas! But then, say on the day you are due to walk down the aisle, the sun suddenly bursts out and the sky is blue – you are not going to be complaining! You are not going to be sad that you will not be needing to use those umbrellas anymore! You are going to be rejoicing in the change, embracing in the spontaneity of the moment and frantically pushing your previous worries that you were going to have miserable grey wedding pictures to the side!

Equally, if you are watching the world cup final and your team is loosing with one minute to go, but all of a sudden (remember you do NOT like change) your team scores and you end up winning, you will decide, right in that moment, that change is a good thing indeed.

I know that both of these examples were rather trivial but they illustrate the point that sometimes when we claim to hate change, we can actually go right back on what we said depending on whether the circumstances of that change suits our needs or desires at that particular moment in time.

   *   *   *   *

The irony of this whole thing is that humans thrive on change! How else would we have become so successful in developing and conquering and leading over the course of history were it not for changing circumstances? The human race is ever evolving and, if we were to never experience change, we would never progress.

It is thought that the appendix was once a vital digestive organ used back in the caveman days to digest animal hair and bones, (as that would have been part of the human diet at the time). But now it is commonly removed and deemed not essential to life. Isn’t this evidence that although times and circumstances change, people adapt and continue to thrive?!

It is important to note however, that too much change may also not be a good thing … but then we enter into the wonderful world of BALANCE! (which is not so wonderful after all because it’s so hard to achieve!), and that is a whole other debate in itself!

So maybe next time you encounter a change, no matter how big or small, or how scary or inconsequential it may seem, try and remember that it is not the change itself you are scared of, but how you will react that matters. The world is your oyster so stop restricting yourself by placing barriers on what you can and cannot cope with! Take each moment as it comes and deal with the situation as best as you can (:

B + M = 1

The equation above is, in actual fact, not a real equation. I just made it up. (I’m sad to say that my mathematic days are over!)

But it does stand for something: The ‘B’ stands for Body and the ‘M’ stands for Mind. So, there we have it!

Body + Mind = 1.

I find the idea of the body and the mind “being at one” with each other fascinating as, up until this point, I have always believed it to be impossible – despite what the yoga teachers say! Because let’s face it, if you’ve ever participated in a yoga/pilates class, I am sure you’ll agree with me that when the instructor tells you to “Focus on your breathing” and to ” Clear your mind” the opposite is normally happening! Your thoughts are wildly drifting and you are probably thinking about what you are going to eat later on or what you should have done yesterday, or how weird it is that you are sitting on a mat thinking about what you are thinking about!

I find it extraordinary how the body and the mind can detach from each other despite being intricately linked with nerves and feedback systems.

Think about it, there is so much that our bodies do for us of their own accord, without the permission or input of our conscious minds. We do not have to actively tell our hearts to beat constantly, neither do we have to command our cells to repair themselves when we are hurt – our body just does it automatically. The body is, seemingly, very much independent from the conscious part of our brain yet it is our brain that tells the body what to do in the first place!

I have often wished I could have more control over my body because I want to take the credit. I want to be aware of myself telling my organs to function and my muscles to move, but my body is already doing it for me, my brain has bypassed my consciousness and has already subconsciously commanded my body to look after itself!

It is a very abstract concept to think about and it’s even harder to explain but nevertheless I think it is so interesting.

I think the key thing to remember, however, is that sometimes we cannot totally be in tune with our bodies because it is just not simply meant to be that way and we have to accept that! We would never get anything done if we had to consciously tell ourselves to breathe and, in times of trauma, we rely on the adrenaline and “fight or flight” response our brain automatically sends to our bodies to keep us alive!

In my opinion, it all boils down to trust. Our brains have to learn to trust our bodies and our bodies have to learn to trust our brains and all the thoughts and emotions that come with that. Our minds and our bodies may never “be one”, but they can learn to accept each other and act as a team.

Too often we allow our bodily appetites to control our minds – or perhaps it is the other way around – but imagine how different our lives would be if we could allow the two to co-exist without guilt or fear or disappointment? If we could accept the fact that, despite our body not being hungry for that ice cream, our brain wanted it and so we allowed our body to eat it to please the brain and didn’t feel bad afterwards! One does not control the other and the two should work alongside each other. It’s about compromise. It’s a relationship.

I saw a really cool quote today about marriage that I think applies:

We should not have to compromise one or the other, both are as vital as each other and both need to be recognized for their valuable work they do in keeping us alive.

My body and my brain still disagree regularly on many things. They fight over the major, and the minor matters in life. Sometimes both of them present valid arguments that require careful consideration but it is not easy being at odds with myself so often I make the wrong decision!

I think it is important to be aware of both. To be mindful of your feelings but also of your surroundings.

Listen to your body and listen to your mind and, one day, maybe the two might just agree with each other!

R x

Stigmas.

Stigma ˈstɪɡmə/ noun – A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
eg. “the stigma of mental disorder”

Let’s face it – we all have them.

But why?

Well, because deep down inside all of us is a prideful, judgmental little minx that likes to find faults in others.

What this minx thinks about people isn’t often shared out loud – as it would be socially unacceptable – due to the nature of it’s spiteful character, however it’s opinion still gets out there somehow. It’s in the way we act, the way we look and the way we treat other people. Sometimes it’s presence can even be felt in the atmosphere; an unpleasant vibe that circulates the area.

Stigmas aren’t nice. They are, in affect, negative stereotypes of people, places and things that are all too often completely untrue.

I’ve been thinking about a few of the most common stigmas in our society that I think need addressing – without the aid of minx’s opinions!

1 – Jobs 

Why is it that people think if you work in fast food or some other low-paid high-turnaround job that you are dumb, have no sense of direction or are desperate? Sure those jobs may not be ideal, but they pay! And people are working for their money! They are harder than you think too, it’s not just a case of putting fries in a bag – or whatever it may be – these jobs are demanding, both physically and emotionally. Besides, most of the time these jobs are a temporary thing or are a stepping stone to a better job. So who are we to judge someone on their occupation? At least they aren’t sat on their bums doing nothing!

2 – Overweight People

You can’t really go anywhere these days without seeing someone who is struggling with their weight. It’s a sad truth, but it does not mean that these people are ugly, lazy and stupid so should not be treated this way. Rude and hurtful comments are not the way forward. There is something deeper going on in these people’s lives that are causing them to be like this and there are so many others factors to bear in mind, such as; genetics, hormones, illnesses, trauma, stress, disease etc. I watched a really interesting documentary the other day with Katie Hopkins entitled “To Fat and Back”. Basically it was following Katie Hopkins (an English columnist and tv personality star), who is VERY opinionated, put on 3 stone (approx 42lbs) in 3 months, and then loose it all in another consecutive 3 months just to prove a point! She is very prejudice against overweight people and said; “I’ve always criticised fat people, so I decided to put my money where my mouth is.” “…fatties have the one thing disabled people don’t have. They have choice. Nobody’s forcing them to shovel food in their faces.” I couldn’t believe how insensitive she was yet, by the end of her journey she was able to develop some sympathy and realised that there is more emotion involved in eating than she initially thought. Body image and size is a topic that’s very close to my heart and I can completely relate to those who suffer with eating related issues. No one should be made to feel inadequate or worthless based on their size or outward appearance. It’s just not right.

3 – Teeth

In another program I watched recently, called “The Truth About Your Teeth” -(Yeah, I watch a lot of weird documentaries!)- they did an experiment whereby they got a picture of a young attractive lady with nice white teeth and showed the public. They asked for people’s opinions of the woman based on their first impressions of her and the results were: smart, clever, attractive, pretty etc. Then they photo shopped the picture so that the woman had some missing teeth as well as some rotten ones and showed it to the public again. This time the response was unbelievable! Suddenly people no longer found her attractive and smart but rather; untrustworthy, not very clever, unattractive and stupid. Wow! This is the same woman we are talking about! So why do we instantly form an opinion on someone’s character based on something as trivial as teeth?! I, myself have a missing tooth as I was born with a condition that means I won’t get all my adult teeth when the milk teeth fall out. If I knew that people thought of me in that way without a tooth I would never leave the house! I have in fact, lost my false tooth a number of times before and I have to say, it is a horrible experience! My self confidence plummets and I feel like everyone is looking at me in a judgmental, disapproving way. My advice – look after your teeth! However if it’s too late for that or other circumstances have caused your smile not to be deemed as “Hollywood acceptable” just know that it does not make you any less of a person than you already are! If people have an issue with your smile then that’s their problem!

4 – Single parents (Particularly mums)

It’s sad that these people are often looked down upon in society. Sure, even though some of them may have made some mistakes that mean their situation could be deemed as “their own fault”, it should not give any of us a right to judge them. It is also important to remember that it is not the fault of the child and if the parent is working hard at looking after that child and providing a future for them, then kudos to them! It’s no longer about the past, it’s all about the present. On wards and upwards. Also, in many circumstances, it may not be anyone’s “fault” anyway, the other partner could have valid reasons for not being present but we just don’t know that and should therefore, not speculate.

And finally…

5 – Mental illnesses 

It is estimated that 1 in 4 are suffering with some kind of mental illness. These could range from anxiety, depression, OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, eating disorders, and so on. Unless you have suffered with some kind of mental disorder yourself I think it is hard to comprehend just how crippling they are but that doesn’t mean that you can’t try to understand or sympathize with those who are struggling. It was only a number of decades ago that those who were mentally ill were shunned, experimented on and put in exhibitions to be scorned at! But what I think people fail to realise about mental disorders is that there is always a rational part of the mind left – no matter how small, it is there. A conscious part of the brain that knows exactly what is going on but is unable to control what is happening. Mental disorders do not mean you are a crazy lunatic with no concept of what is going on, they are a disease, an illness. What if we treated people with mental illnesses like we did physical illnesses? How do you think that would work out?

People think that you can be”cured” by just telling yourself you can change but it’s not that easy and often, there is no way to fully recover. We have come a long way in terms of understanding and controlling mental disorders but we still have some work to do on accepting them – just as we do for all of the above stigmas.

So let’s all try and make a combined effort to accept people for who they are with no preconceptions or judgments in the back of our minds. Let’s make everyone feel welcome and important and maybe, we too, will feel comfortable in our own skins if we treat others as we wish to be treated.

love

R x

*Stigma definition source: Google

Ruby’s 7+ Wonders of the World.

Do you ever detach yourself from the current situation you find yourself in and think about life? … I do!

I love reflecting on the deep matters of existence as well the more trivial ones. I also love to find humor in the mundane, everyday moments in life as I think so often these little gems go un-noticed. If you take the time to tune into life and really pay attention to your surroundings you’ll realise just how vibrant life really is!

So, here are my seven (plus a few extra) Wonders of the World:

1 – When it’s really windy outside and the trees are swaying, often they will squeak and it is the coolest thing! Listen closely!

2 – The fact that, when it gets dark, everyone (well, the majority of people) go home to their little houses, get into comfy pajamas and go to sleep! They could be the meanest of bosses, the snobbiest of teachers, the cruelest of criminals yet, they all lie down and shut their eyes and dream, every night. Isn’t that funny?!

3 – When you visit a house with a dog and, guaranteed, it will always come running up to you and go straight for your crotch! Why is that?!  #awkward.

4 – When you are walking on the pavement and a car passes you – the driver will always be staring you down! Yet, when you are driving and you see someone walking, you can’t help but be nosey and see who it is!

5 – Cakes! Who’d have thought that when you add flour, solidified milk (butter), sugar and the thing that comes out of a chicken’s butt (egg) you get a spongy, fluffy bread thing?! Science is incredible!

6 – The reflection of water. There’s something so exotic and inciting about it! Mmmm.

7 – The ugliness of turkeys! They really are something else!

8 – The fact that you can drive the same route countless times and think you know it like the back of your hand yet, if you walk it, you’ll see things you never knew existed and will get a completely new perspective!

9 – The ability to keep on loving! You may think you have reached your capacity but someone/something new can come along and steal your heart all over again because there is always room for more!

I think everyone should have their own list of “Wonders”! So, go find yours! 🙂

R xx

The Comparison Game.

I don’t play games that often, but when I do … I do! I guess you could say I’m a bit of a competitive person in that regard.

Most of the time I play by the rules but occasionally a little bit of cheating is needed in order to win!

If, however, you do abide by the rules at all times you’ll be well aware of the fact that in the game “Snap” you can only win a round if you have two cards that are exactly the same. If this is not the case then you cannot win.

Similarly in mathematics, you cannot solve an algebraic equation unless you have alike terms, for example in the sum: 2a+3b, the answer cannot be 5ab because ‘a’ and ‘b’ are not the same and cannot be put together this way.

I think this concept of exactness and similarity in games, and formulas alike, is really interesting because we accept it and comply with the rules. In life however, we fail to apply these same principles to ourselves and the consequences are quite sad. Let me explain what I mean…

Without trying to sound too cliché, I will state the obvious and say that we are all unique! – (because we are) – and there is no one like you, you are 100% yourself. 

Yet when we see other people who we think are more attractive than ourselves or have better lives than us in general, we compare ourselves with them.

BUT there is a fundamental problem with doing this. How can we compare ourselves to others when we aren’t even the same to start with? It’s like comparing the drawing of a child with that of a professional artist – of course the professional’s is going to be superior but that is because they got a head start, they have years of experience behind them. The two were never even on the same starting blocks, they are different and that means that they cannot be judged in the same way.

So, you see a really beautiful person walking down the street, they are tall, well proportioned and impeccably dressed. You instantly feel inadequate. That morning you were in a rush so shoved on some scruffy clothes and now you are regretting it. You are short, maybe not as slim as you would like to be. In short, you feel gross. You look at the person walking towards you and you maybe feel a little jealous, frustrated at yourself and the circumstances you are in and you jump to conclusions that this person has a better life than you; they are inevitably happy, carefree and popular and you are just boring and slobby.

This will obviously not be the case as everyone is going through something and no one can be completely happy with all aspects of their life – (and if they are, then that’s just weird!). But we, mere mortals, think we have the right to judge others on first glance and in addition to that, will judge ourselves based on how we view those people. We use them as measuring sticks for our own lives and compare ourselves with them and how we deem they live their lives.

I willingly admit that I am guilty of playing the comparison game all too much. I will see someone – a complete stranger in fact – and will instantly form an opinion on them based on how they make me feel about myself. (It’s not good I know, but I’m sure we all do it – subconsciously or not!)

* * *

Going back to games, have you ever played the paper game with a group of people where you each, in turn, draw a part of a body ie, a head, a torso, legs etc. and then roll it down for the next person to draw the next part? It sounds complicated but it really isn’t! The results are usually something like this:

It’s a lot of fun and can be hilarious! But I think if this were the case in real life, if we could pick and choose body parts or certain aspects of ourselves we would all be a shambles!

Perhaps you would see people like this walking down the road:

Yeah. (I certainly did not spend over an hour cropping this!)

The point is, we are who we are for a reason and we cannot change ourselves – only our attitudes.

We will always want to have parts of other people in our lives because we view others differently to ourselves. We are more lenient toward them but harsh with ourselves.

There will ALWAYS be someone who is seemingly more attractive or more likable or more successful than us and we can allow that to bother us if we want, but equally we can take it in our stride and realize that comparing ourselves to others is void and completely irrelevant. No one is the same as you – you cannot judge yourselves or others based on conceptions you have that are often false.

I know it’s hard – trust me – I am so bad at doing this but I know that it’s not the way forward and being happy in your own skin has got to be the ultimate goal and the ultimate indication of contentment.

Learn to love.

R xxx

Perspective.

Perspective is one of those funny little words that we love to use but hate to hear. When someone tells you to “Get some perspective” on the matter it is so annoying! Because “Right NOW is important! Not in a few years time! And why do I have to think about this moment in a different time dimension just to make a decision? It makes no sense, how does that help?!”

BUT, my theory is, without perspective we would all just take everything for granted and become rather self absorbed. Without thinking about the bigger picture we would become blinkered and narrow minded.

Speaking from my own experience, I know there have been many times in my life when a little perspective would have done me a lot of good – had I used it! Take moving for example; when I first moved to Canada I didn’t want to – not because I hated Canada or thought my life would be awful there (ok, maybe a little!), but because it wasn’t England, it wasn’t home and it was alien and unfamiliar.

So, what did I do? I was miserable! I was miserable because I was protesting. But as you can imagine, it didn’t do any good. I should have just kept an open mind about it all. Moving countries didn’t mean I was going to be trapped there forever and ever amen! But at the time I couldn’t see the bigger picture, I didn’t look outside of myself or towards the future – I wallowed in the present.

Looking back on this time now, I can appreciate what I was feeling then and respect that but am also a little frustrated at myself for not making more of an effort. Ironically though, in hind sight I do now miss certain elements of living in Canada but I never appreciated them at the time. I took it for granted.

The other week I found myself on a road trip going around lake Ontario with my sister and some friends. It was a lot of fun and as we were too busy goofing around, we rarely had a serious moment but, while getting soaked on the ‘Maid in the Mist’ on the Niagara Falls, I had a profound moment.

It was with a tiny insect.

He – (It’s a he!) – was sitting on my sleeve and, as I looked down on him, I found myself thinking “Does this insect know where he is? Does he comprehend that he is on the sleeve of a giant human who is on a giant boat in a giant waterfall in Niagara, Ontario, Canada?”, “Or is he completely entranced by staring at this strange blue object he now finds himself on completely oblivious to his surroundings?”

I found it really baffling and kind of amusing to think about! Do insects have perspective? Are they spacially aware? Or is this critter forever going to be ignorant to what lay behind him? :

Interesting, huh?!

When my dad was a kid, he would write in the front cover of his books:

“This book belongs to Stephen Howell, Aged 7, *Address*, England, United Kingdom, The world, The solar system, The Milky Way, The Galaxy, Infinity.”

I used to think it was really funny but it is actually quite profound and It has put him in good stead for his adult life as he still continues to be just as profound and speculative today!

*  *  *  *

I often wish we could speak to trees. Big, tall, wide trees.

They look so wise and would have witnessed so many significant events from the past. Imagine what they would say if they could talk!

This is why I like keeping a journal. I love reading back on my life. Sometimes it is very emotional but, more than often, I  make myself laugh at some of the “major crisis’s” that I was dealing with at the time that weren’t actually crisis’s at all, I just thought they were in that moment. See, *PERSPECTIVE!*.

Sometimes I cringe at what I have written and often when I read I get more memories flooding back that I wish I could add to the original text to give more context to the situation. However, I would never cross anything out or re-word an entry as I want to respect the integrity of my young self but, I have decided to start a ‘Perspective journal’ to solve this problem. What I plan to do is read back on my old journals and, when I come across something that I no longer agree with or want to add more to the story, I will write the date of the day I was reading about in my old journal into my new ‘Perspective journal’ and will elaborate further on that day; what else I remember about it and how I view it now. I think it will be a very interesting experiment and the funny thing is – in a few years time, my perspective journal will also be out of date and I will have further perspective on my perspective! It just keeps on going!

We are blessed to have such extensive minds with intricut thought processes. The ability to reflect and ponder and be curious is amazing! Use it! You will come to some pretty cool conclusions!

R x