Total Blackness.

If I could sum up this past week in one word it would have to be Black. Not grey, Black.

I have probably spent at least 75% of it in bed.

I would never describe myself as a depressive person and I would like to think that I am not depressing to be around (at least I certainly try to not let this side of me show in public anyway).

But, as a result of everything that has happened throughout my teenage years, I am prone to depressive spells and periodically everything seems to come crashing down and I feel utterly hopeless.

This week I completely lost all motivation to make any effort to be positive and the clouds that often obstruct my sunlight won the battle this time round.

It’s hard to explain how you feel in the depth of a very dark moment but, for all the Harry Potter fans out there, it feels like what I imagine the kiss of a dementor to be like; all the light, energy and happiness completely sucked out of your living soul until there is nothing left.

   

You don’t want to go to sleep because your mind will just wonder and take you places you do not wish to visit, but when you do finally get to sleep you wish you could stay that way forever.

Getting out of bed seems as daunting as climbing a mountain and far too much effort for what it’s worth.

Bed is safe and warm so you tell yourself that that is where you belong – You don’t need to get up today, you don’t need to shower and heaven for-fend you actually get dressed and put on those jeans that just cut your bulging torso in half from the binge the night before!

Nothing is interesting, nothing seems fun or entertaining and nothing makes you want to get-up-and-go!

You just feel Blah.

A constant cloud hangs over you. A wave of sadness ever engulfs you. It feels like there is no way out.

Everyday I say to myself “Tomorrow can be different, tomorrow can be better”, but something within me just won’t let go and I draw back inside myself.

I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to look in the mirror, I don’t want to open the curtains. I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING but wallow in self pity and dissatisfaction.

And that is that. It’s a vicious cycle of never-ending gloom that looms over you until whatever it is that is holding you back in your mind snaps back and you begin to feel slightly better about life.

You now feel brave enough to whip out your wand and apply the Patronus Charm to defeat the dementor lurking within.

… you then put on your “Brave Face” and continue to face the storm until the next tumultuous wave knocks you back down again.

Then it’s a case of Lather, Rinse and Repeat.

xxx