Recovering from an eating disorder is just as hard to deal with as any other stage of the illness. But people often think that once you are weight restored things will just fall into place.
When the hard core treatment has run its course and the doctors are no longer particularly concerned about your physical state anymore, you are on your own and the fun really starts. Sure you may not look like you are on death’s doorstep and you may no longer be displaying all the “classic” symptoms of a case that needs desperate intervention but, like the tip of an iceberg, there’s always more lurking beneath the surface that can’t be seen but can still cause a lot of damage.
Everyday you are stepping on eggshells with yourself, never knowing what is going to happen or how you are going to react. It’s World War 3 in your head, but you are the only one who knows about it; the only soldier fighting and whats-more, you’re fighting on both sides.
Yep, things get messy sometimes but you are expected to just slot right back into “normal” everyday life. – (Just as a side note, ‘normal’ is a word I have truly come to despise.)
It’s not like every time you do something brave or contradictory to what the illness would have you do you get a live band pop out from no where and start to play an emotional number to support you in your time of need – like it does in the movies. Nope, you’re on your own. You and your head, fighting all the time.
It’s quite amazing how your brain can actually contradict itself and fight against its own thoughts. Why is that? It’s not fair!
You no longer have your stark appearance or inpatient status to cushion you anymore. If people see you walking down the street, they might never guess that you are suffering or what you have had to go through. They might mistake you for a normal (there’s that word again!) person and that really hurts because you are so used to being different, so used to having something to show for your pain but now you are just like everybody else with nothing to show for your inner turmoil.
Yet your mind is always alert. You see someone skinny and instantly assume they have an eating disorder. You feel the jealousy bubbling up in you, a spark is re-ignited and the old competitive nature begins to surface again. You are bothered by that person and can’t get them out your head.
Even if that person is completely sound with food and actually just polished off a quarter-pounder with cheese, that’s not good enough. It’s not fair that they get to keep their beautiful body while you have to stay at this frumpy weight just so you can please those around you and so that they can convince themselves that because you look healthy, you are. That person will never have to suffer for being skinny, they are naturally perfect and can stay that way forever.
Everyone else is moving on and the whole world suddenly seems to be interested in health but you are not allowed to be because it could end in a “downwards spiral”. Wherever you go people are talking about their gluten free diets, their fat free, carb free, sugar free diets. You have done all of these yourself, you just did them wrong. And everyone is into their gym-ing, running, pilates, zumba, but knowing that just makes you sad and jealous and angry. You want to do all of those things too and you want to be the best.
You go on Facebook and look up your old friends you met in hospital. Half of them are skinny again and the others seem to be having the time of their lives. You are stuck in the measly middle. You’re left thinking “Great, so I’m just the fat one who doesn’t know how to have a good time”. You beat yourself up. Again. Because you are not good enough – of course.
You put on your favourite item of clothing but now notice that the fabric looks taut and there never used to be that bump where your belly is now! You feel like an over stuffed sausage spilling out of the pork belly lining. Just cook me now!
You catch a glimpse of yourself naked. There are purple stretch marks all over your thighs. “Great, I really needed that confidence booster”.
You go to the supermarket. You see ordinary items such as mars bars, english muffins, ribena – but for you they are not ordinary. They transport you back to the time you were force fed those. You will never look at them in the same way again, you vow to never eat them again.
A song comes on the radio and you get shivers up your spine. That song takes you right back to those dark days. The emotions you are feeling are tangible. You want to cry, it is so real. So raw.
You get a whiff of someone’s perfume or use some soap at a friends house and those smells trigger a memory. You can pinpoint exactly where you know that smell from, what day it was, where you were, what you ate.
It’s everywhere.It’s everything. It never goes away. It is part of you and always will be. You may be a healthy weight, you may eat all of your old fear foods, you may no longer be governed by a ruthless and uncompromising schedule BUT it’s always at the forefront of your mind. Ready to pounce at any moment. Catch you off guard. Haunt you.
This is what recovery is like but one day it may not be like this – It will not be something that occupies your thoughts all of the time. It may just be a distant memory; a message in a bottle that has been thrown out to sea, never to return.
Reaching this stage will, unfortunately, take time. Lots of time and lots of effort, but it can happen.
Maybe one day I’ll know that for myself.
R x
The Honest Life 