Girl … (cont. 1)

She sits in the grey room with the colourful toys and magazines, her head is bowed her arms are crossed. She waits for her name to be called so she can sit in another grey room down the hall and talk about whatever it is they are going to talk about.

She doesn’t know why she is here. She goes to these meetings for the same reason she doesn’t do P.E anymore – because she is told to. There is no point in kicking up a fuss about it because it won’t do anything.

Everything has changed recently. Only a few weeks ago she was winning races at the athletics meets and now she has to be driven everywhere. Her teachers are always watching her, always asking her if she is ok. She doesn’t see the problem.

Her mind is cast back to her 8 year old self. Her happy, innocent self who ate two packets of crisps everyday and didn’t think twice about it. Her careless self who would mix two different cereals in the morning for breakfast just because she could. Her liberal self who would ride her bike around the block after school because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to.

Those memories felt like a lifetime away now.

Looking down at her chapped hands that resembled those of a 60 year old she feels afraid. Things are being taken out of her control and she is scared. Maybe she has gone too far? Sure, she has cut out all junk food from her diet, but don’t many people do that in the pursuit of better health? And exercising everyday is ideal and meant to be sought after, right? … But perhaps crying when told you are not allowed to ride to school anymore is not what most people do.

Why does she care so much? Why does she feel like she is grieving something when she watches her friends do sport but she cannot join in? Most people in her class would do anything to get out of participating; they’d fake notes from their parents saying that they’re sick, they’d accidentally “forget” to bring their P.E kits to school or they’d suddenly develop a very nasty cough. So why isn’t she like them, why does it bother her so much whether she can or can’t do sports? What is wrong with her?

She regains focus. She is back in the room. The chubby lady across from her has just asked her what she likes doing -she looks friendly enough, but not to be trusted. The girl offers a guarded response, careful not to give too much away “I like playing sports, cooking and …”

“Cooking! You like to cook?”

“Yes”

“What do you like to cook?”

“I like baking cakes”

“Do you ever eat them?”

“No.”

The lady writes something down on her clipboard. The girl fidgets in her chair. Another question is fired.

* * *

Finally, the meeting is over and the girl stands up. Aching from sitting in the same position for so long, she makes her way to the door and begins to think of an excuse she can tell her friends at school to cover for her time away; A meeting? No, that’s too formal and they’ll only ask what it was about. The doctors? No, they’ll just ask what is wrong. A family matter? … Sounds intense, but it’ll do.

Getting out of the car, the girl makes her way towards the school gate and signs herself back in. She walks to class and relaxes knowing that she can carry on as normal now. She puts on a brave face and pushes this mornings events to the back of her mind. She is still not sure what the point of that all was or why she was even there but is confident that whatever happened in that room will  have no lasting effect on her …

Girl.

Present Day

She is acutely aware of every sensation in her body; the way her stomach folds as she sits down, the touch of her chin on her chest as she bends her neck, the fat parcels in between her knuckles that make her hands look puffy. She struggles to concentrate on her surroundings so withdraws further within herself, focusing internally. Her friend notices her tense expression and asks her if she is ok. She isn’t. She is consumed in negativity but as she opens her lips, the words “I’m fine thanks” spill out like a leak in a hose pipe.

She looks around, everyone else looks so content. They share stories and laughter fills the room, someone tells a joke and the laughter continues. She wants to join in but she is too preoccupied. Sitting across from the food table, her thoughts continue to drift. This time last year she would have just avoided the food entirely and it would have been no effort to do so. She would have made some excuse about  how she had already eaten or simply just assumed that people knew she didn’t eat at such occasions. But now she is enthralled by it. She cannot pretend that it’s not there, that it’s not a big deal. She cannot laugh at the stories or fool for the silly jokes. She can’t go to another room to distract herself; she is gripped and she knows it.

* * *

Guilt begins to sink in. She should have just walked away, she knew if she sat staring at it she was bound to eat it, so why didn’t she just do as she knew best? That last mouthful is beginning to sink in now, she can feel it enter her stomach and immediately turn into thick unwanted fat deposits. She puts her hand on her belly to feel the expansion – yep, there it is already. Just like that.

The rest of the day is spoilt – she couldn’t concentrate before but now it’s just hopeless! Her mind is constantly fixated on what she ate and what other people didn’t. Jealousy gets mixed up in rage and rage turns into disappointment and disgust. I wish I was skinny again.

8 years previous

It’s a bright blue sky and the sun is beaming through the cloudless atmosphere. The girl saddles up and mounts her bike. She loves cycling to school and, although her siblings get driven every morning, she would rather be outside making her heart beat faster and faster with each stretch of pavement she travels.

She cycles past the corner where she fell off a few weeks ago and looks down at her knee. She can just about see the thick congealing scab through her tights. She will not let that embarrassment happen again.

Upon arriving at school she thinks of what the day will bring: French, double maths, art and P.E. Exams are coming up and she must learn her script for french and do that maths booklet and complete that sketch that she hasn’t yet started. In P.E her class is preparing for the summer athletics season to commence. She has been told she is good at long jump and the 800m so she will continue to perfect those.

At the end of the day, and feeling quite overwhelmed with the daunting prospect of hours of revision to come, she heads over to the changing rooms for last lesson. She likes sport. She likes the freedom she gets from it and she likes knowing that she can do things others can’t. She likes knowing that her body can achieve success, not just her brain.

After a good practice and another personal best she heads back towards the changing room. When she opens the door music is blaring from inside and the popular girls with big boobs and flat stomachs are blasting the top charts from their phones. They are so beautiful and powerful and don’t seem to care what anyone else thinks of them. This makes her feel small and unimportant again. The girl refocuses her glance on the rest of her peers crammed up against each other as they try to pull up their tights and redo their ties. She looks through the corner of her eye as she fastens the last button of her shirt. It seems there are all manor of body shapes and sizes. But what is normal? What are girls this age supposed to look like? Some have really large boobs while others are still wearing crop tops. Some have flat tummies and others have rolls of puppy fat. Some smell really bad of B.O and use copious amounts of body spray to cover up the odour, while others have no need for it and perhaps don’t even know what deodorant is.

The girl looks down at her own body with disappointment.

If she can’t have boobs or long legs or a flat belly can’t she at least be really toned and muscley? Can’t she have a body that actually makes her look like she rightly holds the 800m school record and not this boring one? Maybe then people would notice her more, would want to get to know her and hey, maybe even let her be the one to blare music from her phone from time to time!

She decides that if her body won’t give that attention to her naturally, she’ll just have to do it herself.

To be continued …

Living in the moment

A truth that has just recently dawned on me is how little attention I pay to the present moment I am in.

But I think that we are all as guilty as each other in this regard as, quite frankly, it can’t be helped!

Here’s what I mean – If you dissect the simple everyday tasks we do and really think about it, you’ll realise that everything we do is for another moment in time.

For example;

Getting dressed – do we really think in that moment of what we are doing? And are we aware of our inner most feelings at that time? Probably not – we are simply planning for what we want to look like for the rest of the day which will take place in the future;

Making food – we may be aware and conscious of what we are throwing into the frying pan but what we are really doing is thinking about when we are going to eat it – in the future;

At work – we are completing repetitive tasks that are second nature to us, but what for? For money we will eventually spend? To get approval from the boss? To make the day go faster? …etc;

Going to bed – are you going to bed early because of a late night the previous day (which is now in the past) or can you afford to stay up a little later because you know that tomorrow (in the future) you are not working so will be able to lie-in?

– and even;

Taking pictures – we smile when a photograph is being taken, whether we are happy in that moment or not, so that we can look back on that time with, hopefully, fond memories. I mean, isn’t the whole point of taking a picture to preserve the moment? But what if we weren’t living it in the first place? That smile wasn’t real, it was meant for the future. Did you smile for the camera or smile for the moment?

It’s interesting, huh? Practically everything we do, when you really think about it, is for another reason in another time and, when it all boils down, this is the conclusion you reach:

We are present to fulfill the future and to acknowledge the past.

The more I think about it, the more I can see – in my life – ways that I avoid the present. There’s always guilt from the past that can occupy my thoughts, goals in the future that I tell myself  “Once I get there or have that things will be good and I will be content”, but I know that if and when I do reach those goals or ideals, I still won’t acknowledge them and I will still be striving for something else because I am never satisfied. We are never satisfied. Human beings are never satisfied. We are experts at wanting more because being in the present is disappointing, boring and mundane.

So how can we “EMBRACE THE MOMENT!” – which has become such a cliché phrase that we all like and hang on our walls but don’t actually know how to do?

Well, to be honest I don’t actually know! This is where my train of thought ends! But I think being mindful is key. We have to really try to tune in to ourselves as often as possible. I know this is a common practice in yoga as you are coached to feel every sensation in your body as you carefully inhale and exhale. But I am not really into yoga so I’ll have to do it the hard way!

I went to a mindfulness workshop the other weekend and we were each given a sweet to put in our mouth. We were instructed not to chew, but to just be aware that it was in our mouth. I wasn’t expecting much but I was actually astounded at the results! – I honestly never knew food could taste like that! It really opened my eyes to how delicate every sensation can be if we but listen. Now, I know we can’t do that with every mouthful of food that passes our lips – otherwise we’d be eating all day and that’s just not practical or healthy, but I think when we have the time, we really should take the opportunity.

Think about everything you do. Do I really want this? Why? What is going on “upstairs” that makes me feel like this?

It can apply to every problem we are going through; stress, worry, compulsion, fear.

One of my favourite Disney characters is Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas. She honestly makes me want to be a tree! She is so in tune with nature and her surroundings:

“All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you.”

“Listen with your heart. You will understand.”

In fact the whole song “Colors of the wind” is amazing!:

You think I’m an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know …

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you’ll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

Okay, now I’m turning a little bit hippie! – But that’s alright – you get the point!

So I guess, to summarize, I would implore you to take the time to notice yourself – even if it seems no one else does. Notice how you feel, notice your surroundings, notice other people, notice your thoughts. And try not to hide away, try not to distract yourself ALL of the time, try to live in and enjoy being part of the moment you are in NOW because, as the saying goes, this moment will never come again!

Peace   xx