Hello and Goodbye …

This will be my very last blog post and, whilst on reflection I am overcome with  cringy-ness and embarrassment at some of what I’ve said in the past, I can also see just how much I’ve grown over this period and how relevant those rants were to me at the time.

I started this blog to help others and to bring awareness to unseen struggles, but now I see it was more so just a means of self-medicating my internal frustrations! Apologies for that!

But right now, my life is great! I suppose there is always something we could complain about but at the same time – there really isn’t! One particular thing that I have really learnt over the past few weeks that has made all the difference to my state of mind is being kind to my own self. We are always told to be kind to others and to treat others as we wish to be treated, which is of course, absolutely true, but how often do we treat ourselves as we wish to be treated? I have come to learn that self-evaluation and self-acceptance is so crucial to happiness. No matter what stage you are at, there is a plan for your life from this moment on, so sit with yourself and don’t run from your feelings. If you feel a sense of regret over past mistakes or a sense of uncertainty about the future or you find yourself in a state of disparity at where you are now, allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable feelings; sit with yourself and feel. Running away and trying to mask uncomfortable feelings isn’t going to get you anywhere. Allow those uncomfortable emotions to drive you towards your future goals and channel that energy into positivity because you can achieve whatever it is you desire.

I have a quote in my room which states “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right” – which I think is absolutely true! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind and you will be surprised at what you can achieve. Accept that at times, you’re not always going to like yourself, but acknowledge the importance of respecting yourself and keep on moving forward. You have a relationship with yourself and it needs constant nurturing. Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, accept yourself and believe in your potential.

I would have always considered myself to be a faithful person but I can see now that despite this, I haven’t always been a believing person. I would always jump to worst case scenarios and draw upon negative conclusions. Although I was able to think of something I truly desired for the future – and had faith on some level that I would get there at some point – I didn’t actually believe it would happen in reality. And how could I believe when where I was then was so far away from where I wanted to be? Uncertainty is a doubt stirrer- but it needn’t be, you never know what’s around the corner and with a positive attitude you can go anywhere! The future doesn’t have to be a distant fairy tale day dream, it can be an absolute reality. We just need to accept that things may not always take place according to our timeline.

But above all, be kind to yourself, smile at strangers and think happy thoughts.

This Is where I’m at right now, and I know due to my “black and white” nature, this happy spell may not last, but I intend to keep it going for as long as I can and I know that even if black spells come, I have tasted this peace of mind so I can taste of it again.

Life is good. Don’t just believe that good things might happen to you, believe that they will and that you DESERVE them. Find joy in the little things and look beyond yourself when you have the space. God is good. Good things will come. Trust in yourself.

Lastly – Thank you for all of my “regulars” who actually read all of the, somewhat, bizarre things I had to say at times!

Love Ruby x

Walls.

In many ways, people are just like houses. We are made brick-by-brick, principle-upon-principle. We all have the same basic functions as each other and, although differing in architecture, metaphorically speaking when it comes down to it – we are all built with a kitchen and a bathroom – the layout is just different in each house. We are all uniquely decorated and embellished based upon our needs and personal tastes. But, most importantly, we have WALLS.

Unfortunately, unlike houses however, walls in people are not necessarily a good thing and are not so easily moved. In buildings, walls provide essential structure and support and, whilst walls in people do provide some sense of security, they are usually built in response to some kind of painful experience. Walls in people act a defense; a barrier that, although initially constructed with the intent to protect, often only end up causing more damage.

We all have walls we have built to keep ourselves safe. For some, their walls may involve not participating in certain activities or going to particular places. For others it may be manifest in the way they interact with people – scared they will give away too much so remain introverted and guarded. For me personally, my wall is my body.

For many years, I have used my body and appearance to act as a wall to hide my true self. I was worried if I didn’t hide myself I wouldn’t like what I saw or, even worse, other people wouldn’t like what they saw. Being uncomfortable and self conscious became me. A safe way to hide myself and to avoid embarrassment. Without me even knowing it, I spent years punishing myself, trying to conform to a self that I thought I would more fully accept, but with each new wall I constructed, I became more unhappy and more withdrawn from my true self.

The funny thing is, sometimes I would hide my walls with more walls until I had developed an intricate maze that I often found myself lost in. I would put on a care-free, confident mask to cover my self-conscious, awkward self all in an attempt to “protect” what I thought needed protecting.

Recently, I have been discovering more and more the importance of being myself. It’s no good hiding and it’s no good pretending. I don’t want to live within the close confinement  I have made for myself anymore. Living behind walls all the time isn’t fun.

I want to smile with a toothy grin and a double chin, I want to laugh at things I find funny  even if no one else is laughing, I want to wear whatever I want to because I can. I want to eat what I want and say “who cares” and I want to live at peace with myself . I don’t want my life to be governed by the perceived judgments I think other people have towards me and I don’t want my life to be governed by the judgments I have towards myself.

Slowly and gently I am beginning to pull those bricks out of my walls … one by one, until eventually they will crumble down completely and I will be left to live my own life wall-free!

Why should it matter if someone thinks I’m weird or doesn’t like the top I’m wearing? What matters is how I feel and whether or not I am being true to myself. If people don’t like that, then that’s perfectly ok, but I am going to try to stop living my life just to please everyone else.

Will Smith said something very profound on this matter:

…That’s not to say we should think little of other people or their opinions, but we really shouldn’t take to heart everything that is said or implied towards us.

So I say – demolish those walls of yours! Get a sledgehammer and knock them down (or alternatively, begin to soften the cement or pull a brick out every now and then! – whatever pace suits you!). Make your life into a demolition ground – A beautiful battle zone filled with rubble and debris from past barriers and memories you once built.

Leave wall building to the professionals who have a blue print to follow and just focus on living your life as you want to!

– R