Girl … (cont. 1)

She sits in the grey room with the colourful toys and magazines, her head is bowed her arms are crossed. She waits for her name to be called so she can sit in another grey room down the hall and talk about whatever it is they are going to talk about.

She doesn’t know why she is here. She goes to these meetings for the same reason she doesn’t do P.E anymore – because she is told to. There is no point in kicking up a fuss about it because it won’t do anything.

Everything has changed recently. Only a few weeks ago she was winning races at the athletics meets and now she has to be driven everywhere. Her teachers are always watching her, always asking her if she is ok. She doesn’t see the problem.

Her mind is cast back to her 8 year old self. Her happy, innocent self who ate two packets of crisps everyday and didn’t think twice about it. Her careless self who would mix two different cereals in the morning for breakfast just because she could. Her liberal self who would ride her bike around the block after school because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to.

Those memories felt like a lifetime away now.

Looking down at her chapped hands that resembled those of a 60 year old she feels afraid. Things are being taken out of her control and she is scared. Maybe she has gone too far? Sure, she has cut out all junk food from her diet, but don’t many people do that in the pursuit of better health? And exercising everyday is ideal and meant to be sought after, right? … But perhaps crying when told you are not allowed to ride to school anymore is not what most people do.

Why does she care so much? Why does she feel like she is grieving something when she watches her friends do sport but she cannot join in? Most people in her class would do anything to get out of participating; they’d fake notes from their parents saying that they’re sick, they’d accidentally “forget” to bring their P.E kits to school or they’d suddenly develop a very nasty cough. So why isn’t she like them, why does it bother her so much whether she can or can’t do sports? What is wrong with her?

She regains focus. She is back in the room. The chubby lady across from her has just asked her what she likes doing -she looks friendly enough, but not to be trusted. The girl offers a guarded response, careful not to give too much away “I like playing sports, cooking and …”

“Cooking! You like to cook?”

“Yes”

“What do you like to cook?”

“I like baking cakes”

“Do you ever eat them?”

“No.”

The lady writes something down on her clipboard. The girl fidgets in her chair. Another question is fired.

* * *

Finally, the meeting is over and the girl stands up. Aching from sitting in the same position for so long, she makes her way to the door and begins to think of an excuse she can tell her friends at school to cover for her time away; A meeting? No, that’s too formal and they’ll only ask what it was about. The doctors? No, they’ll just ask what is wrong. A family matter? … Sounds intense, but it’ll do.

Getting out of the car, the girl makes her way towards the school gate and signs herself back in. She walks to class and relaxes knowing that she can carry on as normal now. She puts on a brave face and pushes this mornings events to the back of her mind. She is still not sure what the point of that all was or why she was even there but is confident that whatever happened in that room will  have no lasting effect on her …

Girl.

Present Day

She is acutely aware of every sensation in her body; the way her stomach folds as she sits down, the touch of her chin on her chest as she bends her neck, the fat parcels in between her knuckles that make her hands look puffy. She struggles to concentrate on her surroundings so withdraws further within herself, focusing internally. Her friend notices her tense expression and asks her if she is ok. She isn’t. She is consumed in negativity but as she opens her lips, the words “I’m fine thanks” spill out like a leak in a hose pipe.

She looks around, everyone else looks so content. They share stories and laughter fills the room, someone tells a joke and the laughter continues. She wants to join in but she is too preoccupied. Sitting across from the food table, her thoughts continue to drift. This time last year she would have just avoided the food entirely and it would have been no effort to do so. She would have made some excuse about  how she had already eaten or simply just assumed that people knew she didn’t eat at such occasions. But now she is enthralled by it. She cannot pretend that it’s not there, that it’s not a big deal. She cannot laugh at the stories or fool for the silly jokes. She can’t go to another room to distract herself; she is gripped and she knows it.

* * *

Guilt begins to sink in. She should have just walked away, she knew if she sat staring at it she was bound to eat it, so why didn’t she just do as she knew best? That last mouthful is beginning to sink in now, she can feel it enter her stomach and immediately turn into thick unwanted fat deposits. She puts her hand on her belly to feel the expansion – yep, there it is already. Just like that.

The rest of the day is spoilt – she couldn’t concentrate before but now it’s just hopeless! Her mind is constantly fixated on what she ate and what other people didn’t. Jealousy gets mixed up in rage and rage turns into disappointment and disgust. I wish I was skinny again.

8 years previous

It’s a bright blue sky and the sun is beaming through the cloudless atmosphere. The girl saddles up and mounts her bike. She loves cycling to school and, although her siblings get driven every morning, she would rather be outside making her heart beat faster and faster with each stretch of pavement she travels.

She cycles past the corner where she fell off a few weeks ago and looks down at her knee. She can just about see the thick congealing scab through her tights. She will not let that embarrassment happen again.

Upon arriving at school she thinks of what the day will bring: French, double maths, art and P.E. Exams are coming up and she must learn her script for french and do that maths booklet and complete that sketch that she hasn’t yet started. In P.E her class is preparing for the summer athletics season to commence. She has been told she is good at long jump and the 800m so she will continue to perfect those.

At the end of the day, and feeling quite overwhelmed with the daunting prospect of hours of revision to come, she heads over to the changing rooms for last lesson. She likes sport. She likes the freedom she gets from it and she likes knowing that she can do things others can’t. She likes knowing that her body can achieve success, not just her brain.

After a good practice and another personal best she heads back towards the changing room. When she opens the door music is blaring from inside and the popular girls with big boobs and flat stomachs are blasting the top charts from their phones. They are so beautiful and powerful and don’t seem to care what anyone else thinks of them. This makes her feel small and unimportant again. The girl refocuses her glance on the rest of her peers crammed up against each other as they try to pull up their tights and redo their ties. She looks through the corner of her eye as she fastens the last button of her shirt. It seems there are all manor of body shapes and sizes. But what is normal? What are girls this age supposed to look like? Some have really large boobs while others are still wearing crop tops. Some have flat tummies and others have rolls of puppy fat. Some smell really bad of B.O and use copious amounts of body spray to cover up the odour, while others have no need for it and perhaps don’t even know what deodorant is.

The girl looks down at her own body with disappointment.

If she can’t have boobs or long legs or a flat belly can’t she at least be really toned and muscley? Can’t she have a body that actually makes her look like she rightly holds the 800m school record and not this boring one? Maybe then people would notice her more, would want to get to know her and hey, maybe even let her be the one to blare music from her phone from time to time!

She decides that if her body won’t give that attention to her naturally, she’ll just have to do it herself.

To be continued …

Living in the moment

A truth that has just recently dawned on me is how little attention I pay to the present moment I am in.

But I think that we are all as guilty as each other in this regard as, quite frankly, it can’t be helped!

Here’s what I mean – If you dissect the simple everyday tasks we do and really think about it, you’ll realise that everything we do is for another moment in time.

For example;

Getting dressed – do we really think in that moment of what we are doing? And are we aware of our inner most feelings at that time? Probably not – we are simply planning for what we want to look like for the rest of the day which will take place in the future;

Making food – we may be aware and conscious of what we are throwing into the frying pan but what we are really doing is thinking about when we are going to eat it – in the future;

At work – we are completing repetitive tasks that are second nature to us, but what for? For money we will eventually spend? To get approval from the boss? To make the day go faster? …etc;

Going to bed – are you going to bed early because of a late night the previous day (which is now in the past) or can you afford to stay up a little later because you know that tomorrow (in the future) you are not working so will be able to lie-in?

– and even;

Taking pictures – we smile when a photograph is being taken, whether we are happy in that moment or not, so that we can look back on that time with, hopefully, fond memories. I mean, isn’t the whole point of taking a picture to preserve the moment? But what if we weren’t living it in the first place? That smile wasn’t real, it was meant for the future. Did you smile for the camera or smile for the moment?

It’s interesting, huh? Practically everything we do, when you really think about it, is for another reason in another time and, when it all boils down, this is the conclusion you reach:

We are present to fulfill the future and to acknowledge the past.

The more I think about it, the more I can see – in my life – ways that I avoid the present. There’s always guilt from the past that can occupy my thoughts, goals in the future that I tell myself  “Once I get there or have that things will be good and I will be content”, but I know that if and when I do reach those goals or ideals, I still won’t acknowledge them and I will still be striving for something else because I am never satisfied. We are never satisfied. Human beings are never satisfied. We are experts at wanting more because being in the present is disappointing, boring and mundane.

So how can we “EMBRACE THE MOMENT!” – which has become such a cliché phrase that we all like and hang on our walls but don’t actually know how to do?

Well, to be honest I don’t actually know! This is where my train of thought ends! But I think being mindful is key. We have to really try to tune in to ourselves as often as possible. I know this is a common practice in yoga as you are coached to feel every sensation in your body as you carefully inhale and exhale. But I am not really into yoga so I’ll have to do it the hard way!

I went to a mindfulness workshop the other weekend and we were each given a sweet to put in our mouth. We were instructed not to chew, but to just be aware that it was in our mouth. I wasn’t expecting much but I was actually astounded at the results! – I honestly never knew food could taste like that! It really opened my eyes to how delicate every sensation can be if we but listen. Now, I know we can’t do that with every mouthful of food that passes our lips – otherwise we’d be eating all day and that’s just not practical or healthy, but I think when we have the time, we really should take the opportunity.

Think about everything you do. Do I really want this? Why? What is going on “upstairs” that makes me feel like this?

It can apply to every problem we are going through; stress, worry, compulsion, fear.

One of my favourite Disney characters is Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas. She honestly makes me want to be a tree! She is so in tune with nature and her surroundings:

“All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you.”

“Listen with your heart. You will understand.”

In fact the whole song “Colors of the wind” is amazing!:

You think I’m an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know …

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you’ll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

Okay, now I’m turning a little bit hippie! – But that’s alright – you get the point!

So I guess, to summarize, I would implore you to take the time to notice yourself – even if it seems no one else does. Notice how you feel, notice your surroundings, notice other people, notice your thoughts. And try not to hide away, try not to distract yourself ALL of the time, try to live in and enjoy being part of the moment you are in NOW because, as the saying goes, this moment will never come again!

Peace   xx

The reality of recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is just as hard to deal with as any other stage of the illness. But people often think that once you are weight restored things will just fall into place.

When the hard core treatment has run its course and the doctors are no longer particularly concerned about your physical state anymore, you are on your own and the fun really starts. Sure you may not look like you are on death’s doorstep and you may no longer be displaying all the “classic” symptoms of a case that needs desperate intervention but, like the tip of an iceberg, there’s always more lurking beneath the surface that can’t be seen but can still cause a lot of damage.

Everyday you are stepping on eggshells with yourself, never knowing what is going to happen or how you are going to react. It’s World War 3 in your head, but you are the only one who knows about it; the only soldier fighting and whats-more, you’re fighting on both sides.

Yep, things get messy sometimes but you are expected to just slot right back into “normal” everyday life. – (Just as a side note, ‘normal’ is a word I have truly come to despise.)

It’s not like every time you do something brave or contradictory to what the illness would have you do you get a live band pop out from no where and start to play an emotional number to support you in your time of need – like it does in the movies. Nope, you’re on your own. You and your head, fighting all the time.

It’s quite amazing how your brain can actually contradict itself and fight against its own thoughts. Why is that? It’s not fair!

You no longer have your stark appearance or inpatient status to cushion you anymore. If people see you walking down the street, they might never guess that you are suffering or what you have had to go through. They might mistake you for a normal (there’s that word again!) person and that really hurts because you are so used to being different, so used to having something to show for your pain but now you are just like everybody else with nothing to show for your inner turmoil.

Yet your mind is always alert. You see someone skinny and instantly assume they have an eating disorder. You feel the jealousy bubbling up in you, a spark is re-ignited and the old competitive nature begins to surface again. You are bothered by that person and can’t get them out your head.

Even if that person is completely sound with food and actually just polished off a quarter-pounder with cheese, that’s not good enough. It’s not fair that they get to keep their beautiful body while you have to stay at this frumpy weight just so you can please those around you and so that they can convince themselves that because you look healthy, you are. That person will never have to suffer for being skinny, they are naturally perfect and can stay that way forever.

Everyone else is moving on and the whole world suddenly seems to be interested in health but you are not allowed to be because it could end in a “downwards spiral”. Wherever you go people are talking about their gluten free diets, their fat free, carb free, sugar free diets. You have done all of these yourself, you just did them wrong. And everyone is into their gym-ing, running, pilates, zumba, but knowing that just makes you sad and jealous and angry. You want to do all of those things too and you want to be the best.

You go on Facebook and look up your old friends you met in hospital. Half of them are skinny again and the others seem to be having the time of their lives. You are stuck in the measly middle. You’re left thinking “Great, so I’m just the fat one who doesn’t know how to have a good time”. You beat yourself up. Again. Because you are not good enough – of course.

You put on your favourite item of clothing but now notice that the fabric looks taut and there never used to be that bump where your belly is now! You feel like an over stuffed sausage spilling out of the pork belly lining. Just cook me now!

You catch a glimpse of yourself naked. There are purple stretch marks all over your thighs. “Great, I really needed that confidence booster”.

You go to the supermarket. You see ordinary items such as mars bars, english muffins, ribena – but for you they are not ordinary. They transport you back to the time you were force fed those. You will never look at them in the same way again, you vow to never eat them again.

A song comes on the radio and you get shivers up your spine. That song takes you right back to those dark days. The emotions you are feeling are tangible. You want to cry, it is so real. So raw.

You get a whiff of someone’s perfume or use some soap at a friends house and those smells trigger a memory. You can pinpoint exactly where you know that smell from, what day it was, where you were, what you ate.

It’s everywhere.It’s everything. It never goes away. It is part of you and always will be. You may be a healthy weight, you may eat all of your old fear foods, you may no longer be governed by a ruthless and uncompromising schedule BUT it’s always at the forefront of your mind. Ready to pounce at any moment. Catch you off guard. Haunt you.

This is what recovery is like but one day it may not be like this – It will not be something that occupies your thoughts all of the time. It may just be a distant memory; a message in a bottle that has been thrown out to sea, never to return.

Reaching this stage will, unfortunately, take time. Lots of time and lots of effort, but it can happen.

Maybe one day I’ll know that for myself.

R x

The morning after …

No, not that type of morning after … I mean the other one:

The “frantic-panicking-because-I’ve-eaten-WAY-too-much-the-day-before-and-now-I-detest-myself-and-want-to-cut-it-all-off” kind of morning after.

Yes, I’m referring to bingeing – again.

I’ve been doing really well recently and have been binge free for about 3 weeks now. But this weekend it came back to bite me in the bum.

When you are in the act of bingeing – in whatever form that may come in – you are completely entranced. Nothing can stop you and nothing does. You are entirely consumed in the process of drowning yourself in food.

The next morning however, is a completely different story and I guess, in a way, it is similar to a hangover; The after math from the night before shows you no mercy and you are forced to reap the consequences of your actions.

Guilt overwhelms you. Fear consumes you. Dread lingers over you.

Thoughts are going round and round in you head and you make stupid promises to yourself in an attempt to calm yourself down. You say things like “I won’t eat anything today”  OR “I’ll do loads of exercise to burn it all off”. But for anyone who’s at all like me, an all-or-nothing kind of person, you already know that you’ll either be really strict with yourself the next day or you’ll completely crumble and just do it all again or simply stay in bed because it’s just too hard to deal with.

When you wake up, it’s almost like your head has been placed on an alien body. “This isn’t mine, is it? I didn’t really do that last night, did I?” , but when realization hits and your worst fears are confirmed, you brace yourself for the fact that the next 24 hours are not going to be fun.

When I first started bingeing, I was very strict with myself and would maybe go swimming for a couple of hours or restrict my intake for a couple of days afterwards as a means to deal with the guilt. But the cycle still continued.

Now, I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. It’s exhausting and miserable. So I tend to just “sleep it off” or try and pretend it never happened or attempt to distract myself. But the reality is still the same and if I just sit around and do nothing about it, I am bound to gain endless amounts of weight and that simply isn’t an option. I can’t let that happen. Please no.

You look down at yourself and grab bits of flesh in despair. This can’t be real.

* * *

Recently I read the most poignant book by author and compulsive eater sufferer, Geneen Roth, called “When Food is Love”.

In that she depicts, what I consider, to be the most accurate representation of what it feels like to binge.

She writes:

You wake up in the morning confident that today will be a two-pounds-thinner day, even better than yesterday, when you lost 1 1/4 pounds; you put on your in-between pants, not the smallest size that’s hanging in your closet but not the largest size either. You notice that they zip easily with thumb’s worth of room to spare, which is very different from two weeks ago when you had to pour yourself into them and hold your stomach in all day, breathing in short shallow spurts to keep the button from popping and your awareness from the uncomfortable sensation of being squeezed to death. You eat your poached egg on dry toast for breakfast, your apple for your mid-morning snack. For lunch, you eat a piece of cold broiled chicken without the skin and three slices of tomato, all the while congratulating yourself on how good you are being, how much weight you will loose. You reward yourself for the deprivation you feel by the vision of the thin you entering a room. All heads will turn as unsuspecting people are practically knocked off their chairs, so startled are they by the magnificence of your smile, your eyes, your lithe body. Today will be a good day to go shopping, you tell yourself, try on a few clothes, see how good you look in smaller sizes. So you get in the car and begin driving to your favorite store, but as you come to a stoplight, you realize that something is wrong. Something is gnawing at you. You can’t put into words, but as you sit there, it grows more and more oppressive until you feel you’ll suffocate under the weight of it. You’re having a hard time breathing, the anxiety is rising and you want it to stop. All you care about is having it stop, and you begin thinking about the eclairs in the bakery next to the clothes store. Suddenly you are relieved. Something will take this feeling away. You don’t have to come apart. You will not suffocate. With the determination of a samurai, you steer the car to the parking lot, click click click go your shoes on the pavement. You look at the man with the tortoiseshell glasses who is passing on your left but you don’t really see him, you don’t see anything, your mind is a laser beam of intent. You want the food. Then you are standing in front of the glass case, hearing yourself order three chocolate eclairs, five cookies, and a marzipan cake. You mutter something about having a party as you pay for your relief and leave. Click click click on the pavement, the sound of the door opening, the thud of its slamming shut and finally, finally, you are alone with your blessed relief. Quickly, frantically, and without tasting them, you inhale two eclairs. At a more leisurely pace, you eat a third. Your stomach is getting full; you can feel the whipped cream sloshing against your ribs, can feel your pants getting tighter. Oh crap*. You’ve blown it. You’ve flipping* blown it. You were doing so well, sixteen days of eating dry toast and skinless chicken and you blew it in one afternoon. Ten minutes. Ten lousy minutes and sixteen days are ruined. Ten lousy minutes and your whole life is ruined. One wrong move. Why did you have to go to the bakery? Why couldn’t you just have walked into the clothes store? Why can’t you do anything right? You knew it really wasn’t any use trying to loose weight, you knew it all the time, you shouldn’t have even tried. You can feel your skin stretching right now, this second, your stomach is getting bigger, it’s no use trying to get your weight under control, you might as well give up. Just the way you give up on everything.”

*Explicit language has been changed.

Powerful huh?

When I first read this I cried. I couldn’t believe that someone else, a complete stranger in fact, was able to articulate exactly what I feel. I felt so relieved and yet so pained that there are others out there suffering just as much as I am. It’s a cruel and ruthless illness and it sucks every morsel of life out of you. You are not allowed to act for yourself, you must always give in to it. Yet when you do, you hate yourself even more …. Is there ever an end?

When I was suffering with anorexia, there were times when I’d think to myself “Wouldn’t it be lovely to allow myself to eat some chocolate” … but now, on the opposite side of the spectrum I find myself saying “Wouldn’t it be great to have the control to deny myself from eating chocolate again”.

This is my reality – contradiction.

I do not eat chocolate because I actually want to, I eat it because I am told to. Forced to. Compulsed to. Yet equally, I will not deny myself from eating chocolate, not because I don’t want to eat it, I do not eat it because I am told not to. Forced not to. Bullied not to.

My life can be summed up by a three step diagram.

And this is what living that diagram feels like.

To all those out there stuck in the same situation, I hope you manage to break free.

In the meantime, I will be working on doing just that for myself.

Never good enough.

So, seeing as I am now unemployed again – (yup.) – I thought today’s topic would be based on a thought that has been swirling round in my head for some time; “I’m not good enough”.

I know that I am not alone in feeling like this and I’m sure we can all relate to those deflating experiences that make us feel that way; such as getting dressed up to go out (and feeling really good about yourself) but as soon as you arrive at the place you have been preparing for you look around and realise that everyone else looks so much better than you and you will always be ugly and frumpy…

Or working really hard on something but getting a disappointing result … You get the picture.

It’s really not pleasant feeling bad about yourself but it’s so hard to feel good when the majority of society has consistently and ruthlessly decided that the only way to be accepted is to look like this:

 

Whatever happened to this being the most desirable body?!

I mean, she looks happy enough, right?!

I must say however, that things have been getting a little better recently…

Model Tess Holliday is a size 22.

                                                      Model Chantelle Brown-Young suffers from the skin condition Vitiligo.

These two women are both undeniably stunning however they are considered to be “different”.

I do not agree with that, as “different” implies that they are abnormal somehow. They are not. They are simply flaunting their individuality and there are thousands of other people who look just like these two ladies but are not brave enough or in the position to show it off. But because these people aren’t successful models, they don’t get the “privilege” of just being called “different”, they are labelled as weird and ugly and strange.

Think of it this way; when a new scientific discovery is made, say a new deep sea creature such as the Aegirocassis (below) whose fossils were recovered just this year, we do not say “Urgh, Look at it! It’s so ugly and weird” (well, some might but that’s besides the point!), we say “Wow, that’s really cool!”.

 Scientific reconstruction of the Aegirocassis.

Now imagine if we were like that towards people. We would embrace each other’s uniqueness rather than judging them because they may not conform to “so-called” beauty as set by the narrow-minded standards of the 21st Century.

I’m not saying that I am completely innocent of such judgments myself as there has been many a time when I have had preconceptions towards a person just because of how they look, but it is so unfair and so unjustified. And just as much as we hate being made to feel worthless, so do others and we have to accept people for who they are.

Acceptance is a great thing and it is so important we learn to embrace those around us, but what about ourselves?

We deserve the love and acceptance we give to others just as much as they do but it is so much harder to do so.

So what can we do to overcome feelings of inadequacy?

Well, my suggestion is to surround yourself with positivism.

Watch good things, read good things, wear comfy clothes, be with people who make you laugh, be outside, make goals and be kind.

It’s an up-hill battle but maybe, someday, you might just win.

R xx

You’re never too old to …

The past few weeks in my life have been as fickle as the English weather of late; hot/cold, rainy/dry, cloudy/sunny.

My emotions have been all over the place and, as I cast my mind back to childhood memories, I can only think of how easy it was back then!

But then it got me thinking, just because I have officially entered adulthood, it doesn’t mean I have to act like an adult ALL the time.

In fact, in my humble opinion, I think you are never too old to…

Spend all day in your pajamas and get showered at 4pm! …

Have soft toys on display at the foot of the bed…

Get excited over new stationery…

Have colourful Tupperware in cute designs…

Still get excited when you see money…

See your favourite childhood band in concert…

Make your own ice lollies in summer…

Have ambitious goals…

Or even have a good cry – when needed!…

Too often we put far too much pressure on ourselves to be professional and “grown up”.

Our expectations are too high and sometimes we just need to cut ourselves some slack.

Unleashing the inner child is not a bad thing. My dream is to, one day, have a birthday party with a Great Big Whopping bouncy castle at centre stage. No shame.

It’ll be amazing.

So, moral of the story? – Go out there, have some fun and don’t be afraid to show your true colours.

(A word of warning, although unleashing the inner child is predominantly a good thing – try to keep the tantrums at bay!)

R x

Real life moments.

Ever heard that quote: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”  ?

… well, I couldn’t agree more!

Sometimes in a day I’ll take a step back and think about my current situation. It’ll then go one of two ways; either I will completely over think things and get in a mood with life in general OR I’ll realise how utterly dramatic I’m being and won’t be able to help myself from laughing and thinking “only in real life”! – because sometimes only in REAL everyday normal life do certain things happen and you just can’t take yourself too seriously!

Here’s what I mean;

Example 1.

When you are sitting on the loo – half way through your business – and you realise that the toilet roll has run out.

Great.

Although at first this is a real blow and you are feeling really cheesed off at the world, there are actually many options for solving this predicament; you can 1) do a little “wiggle” to shake things off and then sheepishly pull your trousers half way up your thighs as you run to the cupboard – hoping no one sees you – to get some more toilet paper, or you can yell out “MMMUUUUMMM” (or whoever is in the house) to bring you some, to which you will graciously thank them through the crack of the bathroom door as they try to squeeze the much needed entity through the 2mm gap, or you can just do a what-I-call ‘Drip Dry’ and leave the problem to someone else! (I don’t think further explanation is needed on what that means but, fair to say, it requires no toilet paper at all!)

However, even when the initial lack-of-toilet-paper problem has been solved, next comes the issue of putting the new roll onto the holder. Now, in my house this is quite a big deal as no one wants to do it and we often end up with something this:

Ok, I get it. Sometimes they are fiddly to change and you are in a rush and you think it’s a little gross but really?!

– We all do it though! 😉

This is definitely a case of “Only in Real Life”.

Me and my sister have shared a bathroom for a long time and she is the ultimate culprit for not changing the loo roll. (Sorry! But you are!) Sometimes I would just leave it to see how long it would take her to realise that I wasn’t going to change it but I had to give up after a while because it just bothered me too much!

Speaking of toilets – have you ever noticed that in films no one ever needs to go?! I know that film directors only have so much time to cram in an epic story that’ll leave us all speechless and ready for a two-part sequel, but it does seem a little unrealistic, don’t you think?!

On the top of my head, the only film I can think of that includes a scene where someone goes to the loo is ‘Daddy Day Care’. Now that’s a film!

In fact, here’s a picture of the little man himself pulling up his PJs from his morning tinkle:

Anyway, moving away from lavatorial life moments comes;

Real life Issue 2. Getting ready…

When you are trying to make your hair look good or are trying to put it up in a certain style but you get disheartened because your arms ache after two attempts! Now that doesn’t happen in movies. Nope. That’s because it’s a Real Life Moment. And you’ve just gotta laugh at it!

Don’t you just wish it was that easy?

This is the reality!

 

Real life Issue 3.  Spoiled food.

When you are just about to bite into the most delicious looking strawberry …

 and can’t wait to get your nashers round it …

but when you pick it up you realise that another life form has already claimed it. Darn you fungus!

#RealLifeMoment.

Real life Issue 4.

Now, cast your mind to your favourite SciFi or Thriller or James Bond movie. Notice something they all have in common?

TECHNOLOGY ALWAYS WORKS FOR THEM!

That is not accurate!

I don’t know how many times I have been in the middle of something crucial and all of a sudden the device I am fully relying on decides that now would be the perfect time to have a nap or to install some useless software or to buffer for no reason. Urgh.

It’s a sure way to make me want to pull my hair out.

Going along with this theme, don’t you find it ironic that when you really need your Sat Nav (GPS) to work as you are totally lost and have somewhere to be, when you turn it on it takes a good 15 minutes just to find where you are?!

Betrayal at it’s finest.

Thanks for leaving me when I needed you most.

There’s only one explanation – this is a Real Life Moment.

These are just a few examples but there are so many more funny life moments that crop up through our days but we are too busy being stressed or making plans to notice them and have a good old giggle! So I guess as a summary, it could be said that just as everyone has their own sense of humor, so does life! It’s full of irony and sarcasm but you’ve just got to laugh at it otherwise you’ll end up prematurely old and stressed and rather bitter.

So next time you’re painting your nails and you get a smudge after waiting what feels like a lifetime for it to dry, take a step back and laugh at how dramatic you are being and take it on the chin!

– Ruby  x

 

 

Mistakes.

None of us like to admit to them but we ALL make them.

ALL day, EVERYDAY.

Recently I have been dwelling on all the mistakes I make – Don’t worry, I haven’t been sitting in a dark pit feeling sorry for myself or anything, but I have merely decided to be honest with myself.

I have made some stupid errors in my life. Some of them have been positive learning curves, some of them have led to deep regrets and some of them are pure ‘face-palm’ moments in which I just have to say to myself ” Wow Ruby. Wow.”

…Take today for example!

I got a parcel in the mail. No, not for me, but for my sister – In Canada – for her Birthday 2 weeks ago.

You may be thinking “WHY?!” and “What does this have to do with making mistakes?”

Well … a month ago I decided I’d be prepared and get her birthday present ready and in the mail nice and early so it would arrive on time. Included in the contents of the parcel was a bottle of dry shampoo BUT, working at the Post Office, I know that aerosols cannot be sent in the mail. However, I decided that, according to me, dry shampoo was not a “typical” aerosol so it’d be fine to send after all.

I even asked my boss if it would be ok to send, to which he said “Yes”, – (but then again, he is a bloke) and I knew in my heart that he didn’t have a clue what Dry Shampoo was so I gave him the benefit of the doubt anyway and told myself “If he says it’s ok then it must be!”.

WRONG.

After almost a month floating around in the mail waiting room, my parcel was finally sent…back to me.

Dumb. Stupid. Ignorant. Me.

Sometimes gambles just aren’t worth it.

 THE OCCUPIER. – why so serious?!

 Whoopsie! An official letter telling me off.

 The Opened parcel 😦

So, that’s just one example of a stupid mistake I have made this week but let me assure you that I have done far worse than that.

Some of my deepest regrets are:

– Not saying ‘I love you’ enough to my family,

– Judging people and making assumptions without knowing them,

– Mis-treating my body,

– Not being able to control myself.

But I know that I can change all of these and make more of an effort.

Thankfully, I have not made any really severe mistakes that have resulted in serious consequences  but I am still young so I guess I have that to look forward too! (Not!)

I also must apologize for my mistake of abandoning my blog for so long! Life has caught up with me and I have just been so busy and uninspired!

But anyway! ….. Make good choices!

R xxx

Presentation…

So, today as I was eating a bowl of cereal, I  read the side of the milk carton – as you do – and this is what it said:

“We know how it sounds. Tall, blonde, beautiful, hard to get, extremely liberal with no sense of attachment or responsibility whatsoever.                                                                                                             Sorry to disappoint you …”

Ummm, ok then!

I personally thought this was a little irrelevant for a carton of Oat Milk. I mean, fair enough, they are advertising and are trying to catch people’s attention but this was unnecessary. Is it suggesting that only tall, blonde and liberal people are attractive?! Whatever it was implying, it didn’t make me think “MILK”.

This, however, did cause me to reflect further and I reached the conclusion that life is all about presentation.

Ever heard the expression “Fake it until you make it” ? Well, I think it’s a great motto to live by.

Even when I am feeling @#%$&#@!   I always try to look outward and put on a brave face because being miserable isn’t fun and there are plenty of others out there who are also struggling.

Just in case you haven’t already gathered from previous posts, I have some … issues with my weight and food etc., but I have learnt that I can like what I see in the mirror NOW even if it isn’t what I want to look like in the future by presenting myself nicely.

This is what I mean:

This here is the same face – the same me! – but the way I style my hair changes my look and overall mood..

The same can be said about how we capture ourselves in pictures.

The all-too-popular forward lean (to make the boobs look big and the thighs come apart) pose is misleading and annoying but everyone does it because it makes us look “better” … does it though?!

(I think I look pretty ridiculous from this angle but I understand why people do it)

We’d never pose from this angle though, would we?!.

But it’s still the same me! And still the same body!

Get the point?!

I know we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover and I’m not by any means suggesting that you should go out and buy a new wardrobe so you can look  and feel ‘presentable’ by pretending to be someone you are not, BUT we can all help ourselves by; firstly accepting what we look like and, secondly, embracing it and respecting ourselves by how we dress.

(Phoar, that was a long sentence – sorry!)

Anyway, sorry for the long delay in blog posts – I have been SO busy with work and fundraising and (trying to) socialize!

Thanks for reading!

R xx

Now go and put your feet up and watch some telly!