E.D.A.W

This week is Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

Before I had one myself I thought eating disorders were; disgusting, self inflicted and shallow.

… But then I got ill myself and had to eat my own words. Literally.

When it comes down to it, unless you have personally suffered from an eating disorder you will never understand the pain that comes from it. You can read about it, watch the best documentaries or even know someone who is struggling but the truth is you will never know.

Society is changing however and people are making more of an effort to bridge the gap of ambiguity and break down the stigma associated with mental illnesses and the damage they cause. There is still an awful lot of taboo involved but things are looking up and people are making more of an effort to understand.

I have already talked a bit about my experiences in previous blog posts (below are the links if you didn’t get to read them) but I’ll make a few more comments today due to the occasion and try to clear up a few misconceptions as well.

https://rubyoliviarees.wordpress.com/2015/01/29/meet-my-dark-side/

https://rubyoliviarees.wordpress.com/2015/01/20/one-size-does-not-fit-all

Most people assume that when you are talking about eating disorders you mean anorexia but there are many more eating related illnesses that are just as serious. Unfortunately these often go unnoticed because the person suffering is not seen as being underweight enough – or overweight for that matter. Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder and Compulsive overeating are a few other devastating conditions.

I have suffered with anorexia for 8 years and, for the past year, bingeing also – resulting in the whole of my teenage life being sucked up in a crazy eating disorder havoc. Because I have suffered with these two issues I will mainly focus my thoughts on them however, what I am going to say will largely apply to most other eating conditions as they are all very much intertwined.

*Please also be aware that some of the things I am going to say are generalisations and may not apply to everyone.

So, here we go:

FALSE FACT NUMBER ONE:  People with anorexia don’t eat anything.

Truth: In extreme  cases this may be true, someone may go a day or two without any food at all but, in reality anorexics do eat! Their sense of what “normal” eating is is completely warped and their diet is very strictly and irrationally monitored. But nevertheless, food does enter their bodies, albeit in scarce amounts and often alongside laxative abuse, extreme exercise or vomiting.

FALSE FACT NUMBER TWO: People who develop eating disorders are obsessed with being skinny.

Truth: Although the desire to be thin is a major part of having an eating disorder, that is not the main reason for becoming ill. The causes for developing eating disorders go much deeper than that and are often a manifestation of an pre-existing issue. Examples of such are; a disturbed childhood, a traumatic event, bullying, anxiety, death, puberty, extreme interest in sports and exercise or even just a diet gone wrong.  – I hate listing these off like I’m reciting an ignorant text book as I know that these things are not to be talked about lightly but, in my experience, I have found these to be the main reasons behind eating disorders.

FALSE FACT NUMBER THREE: Eating disorders are a choice and can be controlled.

Truth: To a certain extent, this is the case as those who do manage to recover choose to fight their illness and say ‘no’ to it, BUT getting ill in the first place is most definitely not a choice. Of course you are always going to get the “wannabes” who visit online chat forums for advise on how to become ill and will desire to get sick but most people will, unfortunately, get ill over a  long period of time as they gradually slip further and further into a negative, controlling mindset that eventually takes hold of them for good.

FALSE FACT NUMBER FOUR: People with eating disorders hate food.

Truth: Although often in the eyes of the sufferer, food may be deemed as evil because of  what they “think” it is going to do to their bodies, in actual fact, people with eating disorders are obsessed with it. They are always thinking about food, looking at what other people are eating, counting calories, reading ingredients, looking at recipes and watching cooking shows. It’s FOOD FOOD FOOD all day long but the actual act of putting it in their mouth is a sin. And, as mad as it sounds, you get such a high from watching others eating food knowing that you are strong enough to avoid it.

To be quite frank, eating disorders are crazy. They are illogical, unhealthy and foolish and I suppose that is why no one understands them. But they make perfect sense when you are in one as it dominates your life.

Having an eating disorder isn’t like just going on a diet where the rest of your life stays the same. The eating disorder is your life, it takes over your mind without you even knowing it. You live and breath it. It is not fun. It is lonely, shameful, secretive, miserable, restricting, manipulative, sly and cunning. So don’t let anyone else tell you other wise.

I never thought I’d get to this stage. This time last year I would never have even considered publicly verbalising my illness, let alone making a blog post about it!

Deep down I knew I couldn’t be ill forever. Even when I thought about my grown up self I never pictured myself with it, instead I saw a happy energetic mother and wife – which gave me hope – but then reality would hit and I recognised that I would stay just exactly as I was unless I actively did something about it!

That’s the scary part! People often think that being ill is scary for the sufferer but it really isn’t – you are far too sucked in to notice any possible dangers. No, the scary bit is changing, breaking those habits and moving on – not punishing yourself for doing the opposite of what the illness says you should do; not being so rigid with time; having that extra mouthful of food because really, you are still a little hungry or simply just because you want more!; not exercising until you bleed because you think you notice an extra ‘lump’ on your tummy. These are the bits that hurt the most. But it’s possible.

I realise that I have yacked on for ages now and appreciate that I must stop but I guess I am very passionate about this as it has been, and still is, such a big part of my life. I could say SO much more on the topic but I simply don’t have the mental capacity to write it all in one sitting. Should you have any questions though, please feel free to ask them and I will happily respond.

Lastly, I just wanted to mention that Eating Disorders awareness week is just that – AWARENESS. It’s not about showing off who has been ill for the longest, who got to the lowest weight, or who was in hospital for the most time. That does absolutely nothing to help and only fuels the competitive nature of the illness further. Hence I am not posting any pictures of myself on this blog as it is not necessary to get my point across.

On a lighter note – Thanks so much for reading! And watch this space for more blogs to come (:

R xx

 

A Working Woman!

I have had my fair share of part time jobs throughout my 20 years of life.

None of them have been particularly glamorous mind you…

Fast food joints, supermarkets and bulk stores have taken precedence in my career thus far!

And I already know that in the future I will never be the super hot life guard…

Or the high achieving lawyer … 

Or even the sassy catwalk model… 

But I’ll be a happy and humble nurse (hopefully). But hey! I’m happy with that, we working-class folk make the world go around!

Overtime I have even come to enjoy working with the public. Sure it’s not particularly pleasant when someone shouts at you or jabs a cynical comment at your face but I love chatting to people that I wouldn’t necessarily get the opportunity to speak to otherwise (or want to for that matter!) and, being the nosey person that I am, I find it fascinating seeing how other people live and what kinds of things they buy.

Starting a new job is always scary. Will you like it? Will your colleagues be nice? Will you ever be able to learn all the codes and remember all the basic procedures that don’t seem to be basic at all?!

Yesterday was my first day at The Post Office…

So, naturally I whipped out my old scuzzy work shoes from my last job and got on my way!

 

There are SO many different transactions that require my utmost attention to detail and it’s all rather daunting! I never realised how much The Post Office processes!

In the last 48 hours I have renewed countless car taxes, weighed endless amounts of post and stuck so many stickers and stamps on various documents!

Yeah it’s a little repetitive but I can only think back with fondness to my 6 year old self who loved to play post office in the living room with fake letters and plastic Early Learning Centre equipment and think “Look at me now! I’m actually doing it!”.

And, if anything, the uniform is totally worth it!

yeeeah.

It is interesting working with mainly middle aged/ senoir women though as they are always talking about their grandchildren and constantly drinking tea!

Speaking of which, today I felt a little pressure to have a cuppa’ as they kept asking me if I wanted one, so I poked my nose in the cupboard to see what was on offer and saw a pack of chamomile.

I boiled the kettle and sipped away feeling all grown-up and proud of myself! But, once I had finished however, I looked more closely at the box and realised that it belonged to “Helen” who, apparently, left over a year ago. Nice.

Oh well, it’s just dried herbs, right?! That’ll teach me!

Next week I am to learn how to operate The Van.

Just a little bit nervous for that – not going to lie!

Wish me luck :S

In the meantime I’ll just continue chillin’ in training with mouldy tea!

Ciao x

Finding Beauty in ‘The everyday’

How many of us appreciate the hidden gems in life?

By gems I don’t mean diamonds, I mean those beautiful little moments in life that make you smile.

Like seeing the sun shine through a spiders web…or the morning dew on crisp winter’s grass:

    

I personally find great joy by surrounding myself in nature and I love to capture it’s beauty through the lens of a camera.

  

I find it sad when people disregard their surroundings or think that they are immune from taking care of the environment by refusing to clean up after themselves.

But nevertheless, the world is beautiful!

Earlier this week me and my dad took a trip into London.

Most people are very familiar with the popular attractions, such as;

Big Ben,

The London Eye,

Houses of Parliament etc etc…

 

But no one really talks about the other amazing things to see there that go unnoticed…

Like all the beautiful buildings and architecture…

 

 

The opportunities to travel and explore…

  the obscure side streets…

The street entertainers… 

The nature              …         

And the simple fact that the statues have serious attitude! 

(This one is clearly thinking “AM I BOVVERED THO.”)

There is all sorts of beauty to be found and, even if you’re not so good at this, there is also a lot of humor to be found! I thought it was rather amusing when I scrolled through my pictures at the end of the day and found not one and not two but three photo bombs!

Firstly the birds who claimed the glory from the statue and his noble steed by sitting on their heads:

 

Then the obliviously chilled-out kid who was most probably whistling to a very annoying tune:

……

 

And then this rather rough looking man who looks like he may have just committed crime!:

……

(Well, they made me chuckle anyway!)

So, maybe next time when you are out and about, try and look at things from a slightly different perspective. Seek to find the beauty in everything or, if not, the humor! And I guarantee you will have a much better experience!

Peace and love

R xxx

*Ps. I just wanted to add that all the pictures were taken by me – except the one of Big Ben!

**Talented aren’t I?! ;P

 

Be mine xox

Today was Valentines day.

The day where everyone with “another-half” is made to feel special and loved with flowers and chocolates and …. yeah.

Not for me though!

I mean I know I’m loved by my family and friends but just not by anyone in that way.

In fact, I think I have developed an allergic reaction to this particular day of the year as I woke up with a rather wild rash on my face! (Or perhaps I am just allergic to being single ;P)

(* and this is with concealer on!)

It seems like everyone is getting into the romantic mindset, even the cat graced us with a gift this morning!

I’m not even making this up – this is the first victim I have ever seen of hers and it happens to be today!

* And no, the mouse did not survive.

Maybe for me it’ll be a case of “good things come to those who wait” and when Mr.Right does finally come along he will be utterly PERFECT.

I doubt it.

But at least I’m not completely alone in feeling this way. I was messaging a good friend of mine today and this is a little snippet of the conversation:

(In the interest of privacy the name of the other person will not be disclosed)

Love it.

This Valentines I did have one thing to look forwards to however and that was the arrival of my favourite man on earth…

Daddy!

 Me hiding behind my “Welcome Back” banner at the airport.

Before my dad came through the arrivals door a whole team of rather good looking male athletes walked by in their matching gear and looked right at my poster – they must have thought I was waiting for my boyfriend! *cringe*

Anyway, maybe this time next year things will be a little different but, for now, I’m happy just chilling on the sofa and watching bad TV with this man:

(Little lighting – lots of love!)

Besides, there are always memes to bring a smile to my face!

    

Hope you feel loved and take advantage of cheap chocolate in the sales!

lots of love x

R

The S. word.

SEX.

Yep, I said it. Sex.

It’s everywhere, let’s face it.

There is so much “Taboo” around this topic yet we are all so afraid to talk about it. Enough is enough!

We all know it’s on eachother’s minds in some way or another and, let’s face it, who can blame us?! What with Valentines Day approaching and the controversial  “50 Shades of Grey” movie coming out. . . Yeah, no comment.

Personally, I just think the world has gone a little nuts. (No pun intended)

It all really boils down to biology and that basic need to make copies of ourselves – science is very selfish you see.

BUT being human, emotions and hormones play a major role in everything we do, so it’s not as straight forward as making personal minions with a suitable partner to slowly, but ultimately, take over the world…we have to complicate things with feelings.

Growing up in my religion I have been very much sheltered with regards to what really “goes on” behind closed doors but I have always been told it is something beautiful and sacred and loving. However, watching movies and listening to the radio and reading magazines and … well, basically everything else in life, seems to give an entirely different message!

Pornography dominates the internet and takes many souls down with it. Teenage pregnancies are an increasing problem. Divorce is common. Social media would also have you believe that a standard Friday night looks like this:

  

* and I’m sure for many this is “the norm”

But in reality, most of us spend our weekends like this:

Yum.

There are so many “do’s” and “don’t”s, so many expectations and judgments and so many derogatory and filthy things associated with sex nowadays and we are all expected to go along with it and pretend that we are all ok with it.

I am now going to express my inner-hippie and say I wish things could all be simple again. Love and peace would abound and there would be rainbows and unicorns dancing across the sky.

But seriously, the world is a dark place – especially at night – and it is so sad.

I propose that we all try to be a bit more loving, a little less aggressive and a little more virtuous towards each other and make sex a little more meaningful xx

* And now I wait and desperately hope I haven’t offended anyone!

Total Blackness.

If I could sum up this past week in one word it would have to be Black. Not grey, Black.

I have probably spent at least 75% of it in bed.

I would never describe myself as a depressive person and I would like to think that I am not depressing to be around (at least I certainly try to not let this side of me show in public anyway).

But, as a result of everything that has happened throughout my teenage years, I am prone to depressive spells and periodically everything seems to come crashing down and I feel utterly hopeless.

This week I completely lost all motivation to make any effort to be positive and the clouds that often obstruct my sunlight won the battle this time round.

It’s hard to explain how you feel in the depth of a very dark moment but, for all the Harry Potter fans out there, it feels like what I imagine the kiss of a dementor to be like; all the light, energy and happiness completely sucked out of your living soul until there is nothing left.

   

You don’t want to go to sleep because your mind will just wonder and take you places you do not wish to visit, but when you do finally get to sleep you wish you could stay that way forever.

Getting out of bed seems as daunting as climbing a mountain and far too much effort for what it’s worth.

Bed is safe and warm so you tell yourself that that is where you belong – You don’t need to get up today, you don’t need to shower and heaven for-fend you actually get dressed and put on those jeans that just cut your bulging torso in half from the binge the night before!

Nothing is interesting, nothing seems fun or entertaining and nothing makes you want to get-up-and-go!

You just feel Blah.

A constant cloud hangs over you. A wave of sadness ever engulfs you. It feels like there is no way out.

Everyday I say to myself “Tomorrow can be different, tomorrow can be better”, but something within me just won’t let go and I draw back inside myself.

I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to look in the mirror, I don’t want to open the curtains. I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING but wallow in self pity and dissatisfaction.

And that is that. It’s a vicious cycle of never-ending gloom that looms over you until whatever it is that is holding you back in your mind snaps back and you begin to feel slightly better about life.

You now feel brave enough to whip out your wand and apply the Patronus Charm to defeat the dementor lurking within.

… you then put on your “Brave Face” and continue to face the storm until the next tumultuous wave knocks you back down again.

Then it’s a case of Lather, Rinse and Repeat.

xxx

Fears.

I have accumulated quite a number of these throughout my time.

Some of them are rational, others are not. Some are common, some are weird. Some I have faced, others I have not.

Fears are funny in that sometimes we think we have a fear of something but in reality we just strongly dislike it. For example, I used to consider myself an arachnophobic – meaning I had a fear of spiders – but then I realised I wasn’t actually scared of them, I just hated them! I got the heebies whenever I saw them and would shudder at the thought of one crawling over me!

On the other side of the spectrum some fears are paralyzing and can really impact how you live your life. Some examples of these are:

Anthropophobia – fear of people

Agoraphobia – fear of public places

Claustrophobia – fear of confined spaces

Decidophobia – fear of making decisions

… This next one didn’t surprise me! :

Phobophobia – fear of developing a phobia

Most of these however, are a result of underlying conditions such as anxiety, depression, OCD or eating disorders etc.

Although I do not clinically have any phobias, I do have a list of fears and an additional list of fears dictated by my illness. Here they are:

*Once again, some of them may cause offense, in which case I apologize, but I can’t lie.

My General Fears                                                 My illness’s Fears

1. Getting fat                                                         1. Getting fat

2. People thinking I look fat                              2. People thinking I look fat

3. Being in a airplane crash                                3. Not completing daily rituals

4. Getting kidnapped                                           4. Overeating

5. Not being able to have children                    5. Losing control

6. Not feeling fulfilled in life                               6. Being lazy

I also have FOOD fears:

1. Chocolate – (Overcame this by, unfortunately, bingeing on it)

2. Cheese – (yet to overcome)

3. Crisps – (overcome)

4. Eating in restaurants – (yet to overcome)

5. Meat – (yet to overcome)

6. Cream – (yet to overcome)

7. Takeaways – (yet to overcome)

8. Bingeing – (I am susceptible to it but I still fear it and hate it)

9. Sitting / keeping still – (pretty much overcome this but still find it hard sometimes)

So yeah, quite a lot to work on!

However, one thing I do know about conquering fears is that every time you confront them, it gets a little easier. The first time you put that square of chocolate in your mouth you may be physically shaking, over heating, crying. But the second time, you remember you’ve done it before and that makes it a little more bearable. Gradually overtime that fear that you thought you would never overcome becomes something that hardly phases you anymore and perhaps, you even begin to enjoy it.

We are always going to have fears and some of them you may not be able to overcome, but the point is you’ve got to keep trying and show them who is in charge!

 

Good luck!

Bingeing.

I used to think this would never be a problem for me. How could someone who hated food ever find themselves not being able to stop eating?

Well, it happened.

It’s actually a lot more common than you think. I have done a little research on it and apparently many people who have suffered in the past with under-eating go through phases of bingeing.

I think at first, for me, it was just a response to my body craving things it hadn’t had for so long so I was compulsed to eat them, but now it has just become a nasty routine that bothers me more and more and I feel out of my depths with it.

Bingeing is very personal. Not only because you do it alone in private but also because “a binge” means different things for different people. For some it may be 2 gallons of chocolate ice cream, a packet of biscuits, 5 bags of crisps and countless spoonfuls of Nutella from the jar. But for others it could just be going back for one more mouthful of dinner or an extra piece of fruit.

The point is, I think regardless of what you eat a binge is when you feel you have personally crossed your limits by eating more than you had planned, leaving you feeling uncomfortable and depressed … with a side of guilt, self-loathing, disappointment and greed. Of course.

When you binge, you normally eat things you would never normally allow yourself and in uncontrollable amounts. A binge can be triggered by many things; a bad day, hunger, boredom, cravings, certain environments or habit.

I go through phases, I’ll have days where I eat very little and very healthily and then days that are spent raiding the cupboards and stuffing my face with junk, or anything else I can find. Of course I would never choose to binge as it is not pleasant, but like I mentioned before, I am compulsed to. The urge is so strong I can’t resist – even though I know I’ll hate myself afterwards. It honestly feels like someone else is in control of my mind for a while until I snap back into reality and realise what I have done…or consumed.

 It honestly feels like this. But the big guy always wins.

I have tried to break the habit many times using various unhelpful techniques such as; going cold-turkey and not eating anything at all, taking appetite suppressant pills, over-exercising to compensate, trying to vomit, laxatives … you name it.

Nothing has worked.

However, some things that I have found helpful are:

– Having a large drink before eating anything,

– Having a hot drink after eating as this is soothing and makes you feel full,

– Brushing my teeth as soon as I’ve eaten,

– Staying busy or getting out the house.

But it’s almost like your brain knows that these are binge-defeating tactics so will work against them, forcing you to eat anyway.

Because today is Monday and, as I have previously mentioned, I enjoy Mondays as they allow me to start from scratch, I decided to pre-cook healthy meals to put in the freezer so when I get those “give-me-food-now” days, I can eat something proper and filling.

This afternoon I made:

Tomato and bean fake pasta (they are noodles made from Konjac flour),

Roasted Vegetable and Balsamic Coucous, and

Banana, oat and raisin cookies.

   

Hopefully these will help but I’m not naive to the fact that sometimes you’ve just got to ride the waves and acknowledge that you’ve binged without compensating for it. Bingeing is a psychological disorder so if your are still bingeing despite your effects to counteract it or rectify the situation, then obviously your brain is trying to tell you something! I wish there was more scientific research in this field as it is so complex and very distressing.

For now, I am just going to have to continue plowing on in my battle of “FAT me Vs. SKINNY me” until an equilibrium is finally and gloriously reached.

A change of course … (literally!)

Because sometimes life doesn’t go to plan!

So since October of last year I have been studying Natural Sciences at the very fine University of Birmingham.

My whole life I have wanted to be a teacher but I decided I’d get my undergrad degree in the subject I love – Biology!

Getting into uni and coming back to England was a big step for me; full of expectations, nerves and faith. But also a lot of fun!

However, after having completed a semester studying the anatomy of insects and memorizing countless formulas for various wind patterns, I came to the conclusion that Natural Sciences wasn’t going to be the right program for me after all and perhaps I should follow the gut instinct I had been feeling for a while – to become a nurse.

Don’t get me wrong, what I learned during my first term was all fascinating, but the prospect of learning more (rather pointless) pieces of information for another three years didn’t exactly ‘excite’ me! PLUS I would be required to memorize the whole of the Phylogentic Tree (and for those who know what it is – it’s pretty large!), the body parts of grasshoppers, the reproductive nature of birds and many, many more things.

After a lot of deliberation, I decided that I should spend my three years and £27 000 of tuition fees in a different and, dare I say, more productive way!

Thus I took the plunge and am now in the process of waiting to find out if I have been given a place to study the miraculous human body – in the form of nursing!

It was scary changing my mind as it had taken so much work to get into the Natural Science program (and even harder to convince my parents to let me move away!) but handing this form in felt like the right thing to do!

So now I am currently unemployed and stir crazy until September! I am looking for a job to keep me sane and to re-build my suffering savings account, but this all takes time!

In the meantime, my eating has suffered a bit as I am all out of routine and my days do not have much structure. (I may have to blog often to keep myself occupied! – Sorry!).

BUT, hopefully things will work out and I will successfully move on from being a crazy science student…..

  

To Nurse Ruby! …

  

*P.s, It looks like I’m already destined to be great – when you type in “super nurse” on Google this pops up! :

  Ruby The Registered Nurse! – Has a ring to it, huh?!

I never thought I’d become a nurse, as I said, I was going to be a teacher, but I feel really settled in my decision and I am grateful for this ‘curveball’ life has thrown me!

Don’t get disgruntled if life isn’t going the way you want it to, everything happens for a reason and you are on your own custom-designed yellow brick road!

As a quote once read on the wall of my Grade 12 Chemistry class:

“If life throws you lemons, make lemonade … then take the molarity of it!”. 

Haha!

Peace and Love 

Meet my dark side.

Have you ever seen someone like this and wondered; “What on earth is going on inside your head?!” … “Why don’t you just EAT” … “Have you SEEN what you look like?!” …

I used to think the same things – that is until I found myself on the receiving end of the very same questions I used to ask.

I am going to attempt to give you an insight into what it is like living with this condition and what goes on up in the noggin!

* I also just want to add that some of the things I am going to say about the thoughts of someone with an eating disorder are not particularly pleasant and may cause some offense *

At the start you feel in perfect control and like nothing can stop you. You feel powerful and strong and supreme. You enjoy exercising your new-found willpower and get satisfaction from restricting your intake and pushing your body to the limits. It is rewarding and you feel invincible.

Then everyone starts getting on your case and starts questioning you. This is so frustrating and you wish everyone would just leave you alone in peace to do as you please. What do they know anyway? They are just fat.

You don’t have a problem, everyone else does. So you just keep on going; obeying your master for fear of punishment.

Then one day it may hit you that you are not the same as you once were and the differences are stark. But it all happened so gradually, the boundaries are blurry and it’s hard to tell what is really ‘you’. Now you get really lightheaded all of a sudden when you stand up, you are constantly cold and just can’t warm up or, when someone suggests that you go to school in the car instead of walking, you start to cry uncontrollably.

You begin to feel lonely and helpless but the only thing that gives you comfort and a drive to carry on is the very monster that started the whole thing in the first place. So you keep on obeying it because that’s what you are used to and that’s what gives you purpose.

Eventually matters are taken out of your own hands and you find yourself being force-fed mars bars and milkshakes and whopping great slices of pie that you had worked so hard to abstain from for so long. You are thrown in the deep end and feel alienated. You hate every mouthful of food but have no choice in the matter.

Now your new purpose in life is to gain weight and keep on gaining until you just can’t take it anymore but everyone around you says “you look so much better” and “It’s lovely to see some colour in your cheeks again” but this is a stab in the heart to you and you interpret it as “I am fat. I am normal. Everyone thinks I’m better”.

Despite all the therapy you have been to, all the calories you have consumed and all the time you have spent in isolation you are NOT better and the beast lives on inside waiting to erupt again as soon as it can.

And that is exactly what it does.

Your life becomes an endless cycle of loosing and gaining. Doctors appointments. SCALES. NUMBERS. Tears. Food. Hospitals. Therapy. Medication. Calories. LIES. Interrupted schooling and loneliness.

You are at war with yourself, with your family and with the professionals. No one has a solution and you prepare yourself for the reality that this is what your life will be like forever.

I used to think this would be forever but I’m beginning to see the light. I feel like I have emerged from a deep, dark sleep and am beginning to push away the clouds and let the sunlight in.

I still have niggly thoughts in my mind and there are still many times when I look in the mirror and wish I looked like ‘the old me’ but I have to remind myself that I wasn’t happy with how I looked then either and body image is probably always going to be a struggle for me.

There are old habits that are still ingrained in me and many fears that I have yet to conquer but if I could have seen myself how I am now a year ago I would not have believed we are the same person.

Eating disorders are not a choice. You do not wake up one day and decide to be living hell in order to get skinny. It is a mental illness and it is by far the HARDEST thing I have ever been faced with in my life.

I am becoming a lot more open about it and am finding it a great release to openly discuss my issues.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blogs and to all those who have been there for me through thick and thin.

Finally, I would advise everyone to heed the counsel of my pajama top! :

… You never know who is struggling.

R x x x

*P.s, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask 🙂